Homecoming
by Kyouningyou
Summary: Zim has long since come to terms with his banishment. He's managed to eke out a good life for himself on Earth, and even become more than friends with his once enemy Dib. But when the Tallests are forced from the Massive he ends up being the only person they can turn to for help. Will Zim forgive his former leaders? Should he? [A Tallest on Earth fic. Warning: ZaDr ZaRr PaGr]
1. Chapter 1: The Nightmare Begins Again

**Chapter 1: The Nightmare Begins Again**

The incident that started this entire nightmare happened on a rainy day.

It started out nice enough. That very morning the sun was shining brightly, chasing away the chill caused by the damp morning fog that hung over the city streets. In one small green house, sandwiched tightly between two large apartment complexes, that very sun shone in through the upper windows, bathing the otherwise dark residence in golden-orange light. In the top floor of that house, buried under layers of soft, plush bedding, a tiny figure groaned, curling up deeper into the fabric in an attempt to hide from the sun's gentle rays.

"Ziiim! Get up! You're going to be late for school!"

The tiny figure rolled over in its bed, knocking a crumpled t-shirt on the floor in the process. Moments passed. Then the voice from downstairs came again.

"Ziiiim! Breakfast is ready! Get up!"

The figure in the bed hummed slightly, burying its hairless head under the pillow. After a few more moments of silence footsteps could be heard thumping up the stairs. The bedroom door rattled as the person on the other side struggled with it, and then Zim's bedroom door swung open, revealing a creature that couldn't possibly be human.

Its body was rather rotund and it stood just shy of six feet. Its skin was pale green without a hair follicle or marking to be seen. Wide, angular maroon eyes scanned the room, antenna twitching in annoyance as they landed on the lump under the blankets. It placed its two hands on its hips as it pulled its wide mouth into a frown. One foot tapped in annoyance as it said again, "Zim, wake up."

"Fuck off Skoodge," the shape in the bed growled.

The creature, Skoodge, scowled and stomped over to the bed. It – he – took hold of Zim's blanket in his three-fingered hands and with a mighty tug tore it away, revealing the shape in the bed.

Much like Skoodge, Zim's skin was a soft green color. He had no hair, no nose, no ears, and only three fingers on each hand. Two long, thin antennae with broad flat ends protruded from his skull, lying limply against the pillow. Unlike Skoodge's, Zim's right antenna had three small, silver studs embedded in the end, and also unlike Skoodge – who had always been a bit heavy and was now fairly tall to boot – Zim was quite tiny. His frame was thin and even at full height he just made four-foot-ten.

Zim whimpered at the loss of his blankets. He'd gone to sleep last night wearing nothing but an oversized T-shirt, leaving him vulnerable to the cold air. He pulled his knees up to his chest, squeezed his eyes tight and groped blindly for the blankets, adamantly refusing to get up.

"Zim, I wasn't kidding when I said you were gonna be late. Dib's going to pick you up in twenty minutes and you're not even dressed!"

"Dun wanna."

Skoodge huffed in annoyance before grabbing hold of Zim's ankles. Zim's hands shot out and latched onto the headboard, anticipating such a move. Skoodge pulled, trying his best to force Zim off of the mattress, but Zim managed to grip the headboard with a shocking amount of strength.

"You can't. Do this. Every. Morning!" Skoodge ground out through gritted teeth.

"Watch me!" Zim hissed. His eyes were still squeezed shut, as though he were still trying to sleep.

"Zim, let go!"

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

"Zim, you have to go to school!"

"Make me!"

"The chocolate chip pancakes I made are getting cold!"

With absolutely no warning Zim released his grip on the headboard, causing Skoodge to fly backwards. The larger alien's head smacked solidly against the edge of Zim's dresser and a weight settled on his chest. Skoodge's face flushed as he realized that Zim as sitting comfortably on top of him.

"You made chocolate chip pancakes?" Zim asked, innocently unaware of Skoodge's embarrassment. His large, magenta eyes were shining hopefully at the promise of such a sweet treat for breakfast, making him look somewhat like an expectant child.

"Y-yeah…" Skoodge cleared his throat and averted his eyes. "A-anyway, you need to get dressed before you eat. There's less than fifteen minutes before the bus comes."

"Yeah, yeah," Zim groaned, pushing himself off of Skoodge. He stood and stretched, as Skoodge did the same.

In his bid to look anywhere but at Zim, Skoodge could help but notice for what seemed like the millionth time how very _normal_ Zim's room seemed. It didn't have a whole lot of furniture, just the bed and the table-top dresser, but it had a lot of personality to it. Stacks of scientific magazines and video game guides poured out from under the bed. A portable CD player sat on top of Zim's dresser, large white headphones still hooked up to it and next to that stood two tall, disorganized stacks of CD cases. A sketchpad leaned against the wall next to the bed, along with a small black pencil box and a few crumpled wads of paper. The walls were covered with dozens of sketches Zim had done on his free time. Zim was constantly taking old ones down and putting new ones up. It seemed like every time Skoodge stepped into the room the sketches had changed. At first they had only been blueprint drawings Zim did for his inventions, but over time drawings of people or places managed to worm their way into Zim's gallery. What little bit of the wall was exposed between Zim's cluttered drawings was marred with tiny holes left by thumbtacks and pushpins long since removed. Computer could have removed them, but for whatever reason Zim seemed to like them where they were.

Skoodge left, leaving Zim to get dressed. Zim pulled open his dresser and grabbed the same pair of jeans he normally wore; a loose black pair with a pink skull patch sewn into the outside of the left thigh. After a bit of digging around he managed to dig out a black T-shirt that read CHAOTIC EVIL in bright pink print. Tucking his selected articles of clothing under his arm, Zim went into the restroom to change.

Five minutes later had Zim downstairs in the living room dressed for school. His solid magenta eyes were hidden beneath human contacts; white, lavender, and black in a bull's-eye pattern. His antennae were similarly hidden beneath a black wig. The hair was short and spiky in the back, but long in the front so that the bangs brushed his forehead and framed his face. Everything else about him, however, remained quite alien.

"Nya!" The sound was created by what appeared to be a rubber moose-toy, small enough to fit in the palm of one's hand. The 'toy' squeaked happily as Zim stepped into the kitchen. It floated through the air after Zim as he went for the meal Skoodge had prepared. In the kitchen he found three plates already sat on the tiny wooden table, two of which had stacks of pancakes drenched in chocolate syrup sitting on them. The third had only a few crumbs and smears of chocolate.

"GIR already ate," Skoodge explained as Zim sat down. Zim ignored him in favor of picking up his fork and knife and digging into this pancakes. Mini-moose nestled on his shoulder as he ate. In less than five minutes Zim had devoured the entire stack and was rubbing his stomach contentedly. Skoodge was staring at him wide-eyed, as per usual. "One of these days I'm going to figure out how you do that."

"Do what?" Zim asked before noticing a spot of chocolate syrup on this thumb and putting his finger to his mouth to suck it off.

"Eat five-hundred clickes of food and still only weigh a hundred clickes." Zim stuck out his serpentine tongue in response. A sudden loud honking from outside cut off his next comment. On the street outside a dark blue Honda civic hummed idly as its driver waited somewhat impatiently for Zim. "Dib's here!"

Zim jumped up, accidentally sending Mini-moose flying. He dashed to the front door and shoved his feet roughly into his pink converse. He snatched his striped pink and black jacket off of the coat hanger as Skoodge came running with his tentacle-pattern messenger bag. Zim threw the jacket over his shoulders and snatched the bag from his friend as he brought it. He ran out the door with his laces untied, his jacket unzipped, and his bag tucked under his arm instead of strapped securely over his shoulder. Mini-moose flew after him, diving into the pocket of the pink jacket without his noticing.

Skoodge watched Zim jump into the passenger's side of the car from the living room window, keeping to the shadows so that no humans saw his undisguised appearance. A small smile graced his face, though he shook his head as though he were annoyed. "I doubt the Tallests themselves could get him to get up on time," he said to himself, mostly joking. The second the comment was out of his mouth his smile faded.

Skoodge was thankful Zim hadn't been around to hear that.

* * *

"Woke up late again?" Dib asked as Zim slid into the passenger's seat. Zim slammed the door shut behind him and immediately put his feet up on the dashboard.

"I got about five more minutes of sleep than you probably did. Worth it."

Dib rolled his eyes and put the car into drive. Though to Zim barely any time had passed at all, Dib had changed a lot since they first met. The small, weak child Dib had once been no longer existed. Over years of fighting alternatively alongside and against Zim Dib had developed fine muscles, and thanks to his father's genes he now stood well over six and a half feet tall. Aside from that, his face was very well sculpted, with high cheekbones and a square jaw. His hair was styled nearly the same way it had always been, though the 'scythe' shape had grown a bit longer and more jagged. His intelligent, amber eyes were framed by thick, dark lashes and again by the square glasses he wore. Three silver studs protruded from his left eyebrow, and two more lined the top of his left ear. His once smooth face now sported a goatee, which had fascinated Zim when it had first budded.

By human standards, he was hot.

"It won't be worth it the one time I decide to drive off without you and it starts to rain," Dib said. Zim seemed to notice his shoelaces for the first time and suddenly started tying the left one.

"I'm working on something for that. And besides if – nice shirt – if that does happen I'll just skip."

Though Dib's wardrobe remained mostly the same, he no longer wore the grey unsmiling face T-shirt he'd worn as a ten-year-old. Every day it seemed like he had a new one and today's sported a loony face with a caption underneath reading 'I'm not insane! My mother had me tested!' in messy scrawl.

"You know if you skip school one more time they'll probably sic the truancy police on you, right?" Dib asked as Zim switched and started tying his right shoe.

Zim let out a dry chuckle. "Yeah, that'll be fun. Remember the last parent-teacher conference they made me go to?"

"I try not to," Dib admitted.

"And besides, it's not like they'd expel me. I'm the smartest student they have."

"Debatable."

"Nya!" Mini-moose squeaked in Zim's defense. Zim looked down, only half-surprised to see the little robot poking its head out of his pocket.

"Mini-moose still likes me," Zim joked. Dib shook his head as Zim and Mini-moose both stuck their tongues out at him.

* * *

Far away (or not so far, depending on who you were asking) from the events taking place on the surface of the planet known as Earth, just at the outer edges of the Milky Way galaxy, a fierce battle was taking place. On one side you had ships of varying shapes, sizes and colors. Weapons of every sort were used. There was no apparent order to their attacks and no formations of any kind. On the other side you had an array of pink ships, all emblazoned with the same symbol; a stylized silhouette of an Irken face. Small ships flew in formation around one massive ship named – appropriately – the Massive.

From the viewpoint of an outside observer, it would seem that the fleet of pink ships – the Irken armada – had the clear advantage. And yet, the mismatched army was flying circles around its opponent. Irken formations were being broken and surprised with little effort. Their defenses would hold against one type of weapon only to be shattered seconds later by something completely different. And worse, with every passing moment the rebel fleet inched closer to the Massive.

On the bridge of the Massive two figures watched the fight with a growing sense of dread.

"How the hell are they doing that?" one figure asked the other, slick black antenna flattening against his skull in fear or anger.

"I have no idea," his partner admitted. "They're completely disorganized, but whoever's leading them seems to know how to use that as an advantage."

The two figures were identical in nearly every way. Both towered over their fellow Irkens at six and a half feet approximately, both were rather thin, with long necks and slim waists, both had round, metal objects resembling ladybug shells attached to their spines, and both were dressed in long robes with high collars and no sleeves. The only identifying trait that separated them was their coloring. One had bright, ruby red eyes and dressed accordingly, his robes being red with black accents. His partner had deep violet eyes and wore lavender robes accented with violet.

"My Tallests," a voice cut across the bridge. The twin Tallests turned away from the distressing scene in front of them to face the messenger behind them. A short Irken wearing a red, high-collared uniform approached them, antennae twitching nervously. She stopped before them and bowed deeply, waiting for permission to speak. The violet Tallest nodded his head, granting her permission. "My Tallests, the Resisty's fleet is closing in on the Massive. They'll be within firing distance in minutes."

Both Tallests flinched. They weren't prepared for such a thing. The Massive had a wide array of shields, but it was impossible to engage them all at once without them interfering with one another. Because the Resisty had such a huge range of weapons at their disposal, they were in the perfect position to destroy the Massive, and because their movements were so erratic with no clear formation the Irken pilots weren't able to counter them as efficiently as they were used to.

"My Tallests, you have to evacuate."

"Evacuate where?" the crimson eyed Tallest growled. "We're in the middle of nowhere. This is an unexplored sector and we know absolutely nothing about any of the nearby planets."

"That's… not entirely true. My Tallest."

The Tallests stared at the messenger expectantly. She sucked in a breath and continued. "There's a planet nearby known to be habitable. Earth."

Earth. That word rang through the Tallests' skulls. Not many Irkens knew about that planet, but by the tone of the messenger's voice, the Tallests guessed that she did.

"Absolutely not," the red Tallest hissed. The messenger flinched.

"My Tallest, it is the only way-"

A glare from the red Tallest shut her up.

"Voel."

The red Tallest's head snapped towards his partner. It was rare than either spoke the other's real name in the company of Shorters.

"The rebels might spare everyone here, but once they board the first thing they're going to do is come after us. We're dead if we don't evacuate."

Despite popular belief, Theron was not stupid. He was just very laid back and easygoing in comparison to his co-Tallest. But Voel knew better and he knew that Theron had a point. He didn't want to die, but still…

"Are you sure that there are _no_ other habitable planets?"

The messenger nodded her head solemnly. "Yes, my Tallest. I would not have suggested Earth otherwise."

Voel sighed in defeat.

"Very well. Prepare the escape shuttle."

The messenger's face lit up immediately. She saluted the Tallests before running off to do exactly that. The Tallests watched her go, conflicting emotions whirling in their spooches.

"Well, look on the bright side. It's a big planet. We might not even see him."

"Shut up."

* * *

Zim and Dib walked side by side through the doors to their High School (spelled H-I S-K-O-O-L on the lazily put together sign out front). Unlike most students who would wait outside by the front steps until the bell rang signaling the start of homeroom, the two of them headed straight for their classroom, knowing it would be completely empty. Over the years the education system had little done in the way of improvement. As far as Zim could tell the only difference between the elementary, middle and high schools was the height and stupidity of the students attending them.

His and Dib's shared homeroom was taught by the very same teacher they'd had for the past eight years; Ms. Bitters. Whether she moved on to the next grade every year along with the students, cycling back to elementary school at the end of senior year, or had simply decided to stalk him and Dib throughout the years Zim would never know. Fortunately she never arrived before the bell rang. She always materialized from the shadows seconds after, so until then the two of them had the room to themselves.

Dib took ahold of Zim's hand and lead him to the row of desks in the back. Zim hopped onto one of the desks, legs dangling in the air just inches above the floor as he watched Dib stick his hands into his pockets. Dib dug around in his pants and pulled out the object bulging from beneath the denim; a GSXL.

Zim withdrew his own GSXL from his messenger bag and flipped it open. The screen flared to life, bathing his face in pale blue light. The words 'VAMPIRE PIGGY HUNTER XII' flashed across the title screen before it whited out and went to the character select. The main character, Mordecai, was off-limits to both of them – for fear of Gaz's wrath – but they both had their own favorites. Dib chose Valiant, the main character's twin brother, and Zim chose Briar, the only female character available.

"Why do you always insist on playing the little girl?" Dib asked as Zim's character appeared in the game with her raven hair done up in curly pigtails and dressed in a Victorian mourning gown.

"Because her scythe is badass," Zim replied. Mini-moose squeaked in agreement.

Dib's character was a gun-wielder, as opposed to the vast majority of the characters who used knives and blades. Briar's scythe was one of the largest weapons on the game and – to Zim's credit – did the most damage. Unfortunately she also had low health and defense points so Zim normally had to rely on Dib to keep enemies from ganging up on him.

Both characters charged into the world of the game, enemies materializing in the word around them. Zim's character charged in first, taking down scores of enemies simultaneously with a single sweep of her scythe while Dib's character picked off stragglers who tried to flank her with his desert eagles. Using this method they inched their way closer and closer to the castle where the boss was waiting.

Students filled in the room slowly, but as per usual Zim and Dib ignored them and were ignored in turn. Seconds ticked by on the clock and turned into minutes and quiet whispers from students rose over the classroom in a low hum. By the time the school bell finally rang Zim and Dib had made it inside the castle and cleared out the first three rooms. Quickly the two of them saved their games and clicked them off, just in time for Ms. Bitters to morph in out of nowhere.

"QUIET!" the slithery old woman barked, effectively silencing the lingering murmurs of her homeroom class. Zim quietly shoved his GSXL into his pocket and slid into his seat, Dib mimicking his actions.

Ms. Bitters immediately began to drone on and on about the same thing she always did; doom. They were doomed. Earth was doomed. Everything and everyone was doomed. Zim rested his cheek in his hand and tuned her out. He reached into his desk and pulled out a bent-up notebook and a pencil and began doodling. What started out as random scribbles slowly began to work itself into the rough shape of a dinosaur with rocket launchers attached to its back. Zim looked over the doodle and chuckled to himself. Setting his pencil aside he ripped the page from his notebook and crumpled it. He tossed the crumpled wad of paper over to Dib's desk without his eerie teacher noticing. Dib smoothed out the paper and smiled. Then he took out his own pencil and doodled in something of his own. Seconds later the paper was returned to Zim's desk in the same manner that he'd sent it. Zim unrolled the paper and covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing at the sight of Ms. Bitters screaming and running from the robo-Tyrannosaur. Keeping with the trend, Zim shaded in blood on the T-rex's teeth and doodled in a thoroughly stomped on school building behind it. One he was done he set aside his pencil and tossed it back to Dib. This continued on for the entire homeroom period. By the time the bell rang the robo-Tyrannosaurus had destroyed the elementary, middle, and high schools, mushed or eaten a dozen teachers, and had somehow gotten an Irken ship stuck in its teeth.

The pair was forced to part for first period. Dib had AP Physics while Zim had Calculus. They walked together until they got to their lockers, and then they split up. Dib's class was on the third floor and Zim's on the first, so there was no reason for them to continue walking together. Dib continued on down the hall towards the stairs and Zim walked alone to his first period class.

* * *

The escape shuttle was built for only one person. Furthermore, the height of the average Irken was only three and a half feet tall. So as the small, round pod hurtled towards the blue-green planet known as Earth, its two passengers had plenty to complain about.

"Move your elbow!"

"I can't! Slide over on your side a little."

"I can't. There's no room."

"Why the hell are these things so tiny anyway?"

The answer was that no one had ever expected the escape pods aboard the Massive to be used. The Irken flagship was supposedly the safest, most indestructible ship ever built. The pods were only installed as a formality. Fortunately for the two Tallests the pods were fully operational and had been ready to go just in time for the intruder alarm to go off on the Massive.

"When we get back we're going to have to commission escape pods in Tallest-size," Voel grumbled. His legs were drawn up to his chest and he was forced to rest his head on his knees due to the low ceiling. Theron was stuck in a very similar position, though he was constantly wriggling about in a futile attempt to get more comfortable. "Would you stop that?" Voel hissed.

"Sorry. My leg's falling asleep." Theron poked and prodded his leg a few times to try to stimulate the blood flow. All he managed was to incite a mild tingling sensation before his skin went numb again.

* * *

Dib watched the seconds slowly tick by on the clock that hung high on the wall in the hallway outside of the principal's office. School had let out a half an hour ago yet he stayed behind for one very important reason. Through the tinted window on the principal's door he could just barely make out two shapes. Both were seated, the larger of the two sitting behind a desk, leaning forward with their elbows propped up on the flat surface. The smaller shape – clearly Zim – was leaning back in a chair across from the desk. His arms and legs were crossed and his foot was bouncing casually as he received the same lecture that he always did.

The door opened a few minutes later and Zim stepped out into the hallway. Dib stood, grabbing his backpack and throwing it over his shoulder. "I can't believe you made the substitute cry."

Zim shrugged and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Mini-moose flew out of his jacket and settled on his shoulder comfortably, now that there was no one around besides Dib to see him. Zim's bag bounced against his thigh as he fell into step beside Dib who was leading the way towards the school entrance. "One, he was wearing a bad toupee, two his last name was _Gaylord_, and three, he's a substitute teacher in the public education system. What did he think would happen?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure he didn't think he'd get a wedgie from someone who looks like a twelve-year-old."

Zim fixed Dib with a glare. "This 'twelve-year-old' can still kick your ass three ways to Friday, so watch it."

Dib opened his mouth to scold Zim some more, then closed it. Zim had received the same lectures over and over again, from his teachers, from the principal and from Dib himself. Chastising him again wouldn't solve anything.

'_All things considered,_' Dib though, '_I should just be thankful he only traumatized the teacher and didn't vaporize him._'

"You got any plans tonight?"

Zim's sudden question snapped Dib out of his thoughts. "Family night," Dib said somewhat awkwardly. Zim looked confused.

"I thought you and your dad didn't get along?"

"We don't, but this is an annual event and it's Gaz's turn to choose where we go to dinner," Dib explained. "If I skip, the event's cancelled, and if the event's cancelled Gaz will have my head, my vital organs, and probably my non-vital organs too."

Mini-moose squeaked in horror and Zim nodded sympathetically. Dib's younger sister, Gaz, may not have been very big, but she was a force to be reckoned with none the less. No one crossed her if they could help it. Not even Zim.

"All right then. Can you still give me a ride?"

"Yeah. I got some time to kill."

They arrived at the school entrance, finding the glass doors misted over with ice-cold beads of water trailing down to the rain-soaked sidewalk.

"Shit," Zim cursed. Dib gave him a teasing look.

"Forget your paste again?" Zim fixed him with a glare.

"Shut up."

Dib chuckled and shook his head. "Wait here. I'll bring the car around." The human shoved the glass door open, blasting Zim in the face with cold air. Zim jumped back as though the rain would maliciously leap from the ground and attack him. Pulling the collar of his coat higher, Dib darted out into the rain, trying to reach his car before he was soaked to the bone.

* * *

"What _is _this foul liquid!?"

After their less than pleasant journey and altogether bumpy landing the Tallests found themselves stranded in a very green landscape with large brown things topped with green fur protruding from the ground. They had been eager to leave the cramped vessel and regain use of their limbs, but not moments after they stepped out into the open, something cold and wet began to fall from the sky. The cold stuff was only cold for a very brief moment. The instant it hit their skin it began to sizzle and burn. It wasn't long before both Tallests were screaming in pain and desperately trying to squeeze themselves back into the tiny escape pod.

No sentient life forms were present at the scene of the crash, for which both Tallests were thankful. But the pod was exposed and with the acid falling from the sky they had no way to camouflage it. Worse, they had no disguises, so if any humans did happen to walk by they would be identified right away.

"Do you think this stuff falls all the time?" Theron asked once he'd managed to draw his long legs back into the pod. Voel stuck his hand outside experimentally, flinching and snatching it back inside as the rain hit it.

"I have no idea." He inspected his exposed fingers. Though steam had been rising from his skin moments ago there were no marks or any indications that he'd actually been burned. The pain was already fading too. "I think we may have to make a run for it."

Theron's eyes widened in horror. "Are you crazy!?"

"Hey, I'm not exactly looking forward to it either," Voel snapped. "But if we don't we'll be stranded here for who-knows-how-long. I don't think this stuff actually does any damage. It just hurts. If we run for it we can probably find some shelter before this gets worse."

Theron's eyes widened as Voel prepared to do exactly that.

"Ready? Three… Two…"

"Voel, wait."

Voel stopped his countdown and turned to look at his partner. Theron sighed.

"Look, this is stupid. Where exactly are you planning to _go_? We don't know anything about this planet. If we just go running off, we're probably going to get killed." He tensed, as though his next words were physically difficult to get out. "I think we need help."

Voel stared blankly, either not understanding or refusing to.

"From an Irken who knows this planet."

Still no comprehension.

"Damn it Voel! We need to call Zim."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear that," Voel hissed.

"Vo-"

"No. That's final."

"But-"

"I just said-!"

"Oh. My. God."

Both Tallests looked up at the third voice. They found themselves face to face with a strange, light-skinned creature with a shiny head and sparse, frizzy white fur on its face. There was an ugly protrusion on the front of its face and two cone-shaped protrusions on either side of its misshapen head. More gray fuzz sprouted from the protrusions. The creature wore a long, ragged green coat, worn, brown boots full of holes, and had an expression of bewilderment on its face.

"ALIENS!"

"…Fuck."

* * *

Dib dropped Zim off on the sidewalk in front of his house. The rain had lightened considerably so Zim was able to protect Mini-moose and himself simply by pulling his hood over his head. He waved Dib goodbye quickly before darting out into the rain. Skoodge stood at the entrance holding the door open so he was able to rush inside without pausing. Dib waited until Zim was safely inside his house before driving off.

"You're late again," Skoodge chastised as Zim crossed the threshold into the house. "What did you do this time?"

"Gave a teacher a wedgie," Zim answered nonchalantly as he chucked his bag into the corner and began removing his jacket. Mini-moose flew over head as he tossed the wet jacket onto the couch and immediately made a beeline for the kitchen. Skoodge followed him, a look of annoyance on his pudgy face.

"Couldn't you _try _behaving? At least for a day?"

"Hah. No." Zim pulled open the refrigerator door and grabbed the first soda he saw. He elbowed the door shut, tapped the top of the soda can seventeen times with a clawed finger, and then popped it open.

"I feel sorry for your teachers," Skoodge said. Zim took a large sip of his soda and then wiped off his lips with the back of his hand.

"I feel sorry for their other students. My calculus teacher couldn't solve an equation if her life depended on it."

Zim walked back into the living room, Skoodge and Mini-moose following close behind. He plopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote off the arm. Right as he clicked the television on a loud screeching filled the air, followed by metallic footprints on the tile floor. Seconds later a small white robot, no higher than maybe two feet with light blue eyes and power panels, ran into the room. The robot hopped up onto the couch next to Zim and Skoodge took his own seat at the other end. Mini-moose settled once more on his shoulder, making itself comfortable. Zim flipped through the channels until he found a movie and then propped up his legs on the coffee table and leaned back to enjoy his soda.

"I love this show!" GIR squealed. Zim took another sip of his soda.

"What's it called?"

GIR stared at Zim blankly for a moment before humming happily and returning his attention to the TV. The three of them sat there for a while like that, no one saying anything, simply enjoying one another's company. Then, not half an hour into the movie, Zim's eyes widened and he stood up, throwing Mini-moose into the air and nearly spilling his half-finished soda in the process. "That's it!"

"What's it?" Skoodge asked, turning his eyes away from the television. Zim breezed past him and opened what appeared to be a closet door. Pink light illuminated the room as Zim stepped into the elevator.

"Sorry, I think I might be able to finish that thing I was working on."

Without another word he closed the door and the elevator hummed to life. Red, purple and pink lights flashed by as he was carried down into the lower levels of his base. The elevator stopped in his main lab, where his most recent experiment was waiting.

He sprinted into the lab, setting his soda can down on a random flat surface as he ran to the shelf where his chemicals were kept. Gathering up what, to anyone else, would have appeared to be a bunch of random items, Zim set to work improving his latest project. He returned to the stainless steel table where he'd left his soda and carefully arranged the beakers in front of him. Then he ran off to the other wall where the reefers stood. He opened one and pulled out a chilled forty-ounce beaker full of amber liquid. Cradling the beaker carefully he returned to his set up and set to work improving his latest project.

The smell of steel and sterilizers accompanied by the soft hum of electricity and clacking of metal against glass could only keep Zim focused for so long, however. Though in his head he knew exactly what he wanted to do his eyes nonetheless began drooping and his hands began to feel heavy.

"Computer, play disk seven."

RIGHT AWAY.

Suddenly the humming and the clacking were drowned out by Skillet.

_The secret side of me, I never let you see._

_ I keep it caged, but I can't control it-_

Zim smiled and continued where he left off. The first song ended and the next one began. The amber liquid had turned bright gold. Two more songs passed and Zim was smiling happily to himself. It seemed like the project was going smoothly. He lit the bunson burner and set the vial over it. Then he leaned back in his chair and relaxed, keeping a careful eye on the burner.

Then, out of nowhere, the music stopped.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION.

Zim felt one of his antenna twitch underneath the wig, which he only just realized he'd forgotten to remove. "From who?"

UNKNOWN. IRKEN ORIGIN.

Now Zim was really confused. Why would any Irken vessel hail him? "Must be a wrong number. Don't answer it."

Zim returned his attention to the set of vials in front of him and waited. Soon enough his CD resumed playing, meaning the hail was finished. However, seconds later the music cut out again.

INCOMING TRAMSISSION.

Zim clicked his tongue. Maybe it wasn't a mistake after all. "Where is the call coming from?"

IT APPEARS TO BE COMING FROM EARTH.

Finally Zim stood up. He grabbed his soda can and started towards the large computer screen that was the centerpiece of his main lab. Then he remembered the experiment behind him and turned back to it. He removed the vial from the flame, shut off the burner, and then went back to the computer.

"Patch them through," Zim ordered before taking a sip of his soda.

RIGHT AWAY.

There were a number of things Zim half-expected. It could have been Tak calling to tell him she was going to steal his 'mission.' It could have been Sizz-Lorr threatening him. Again. It could have been some random Irken he'd never met but who somehow held him accountable for something horrible that had happened to them a long time ago. He didn't expect anything remotely close to what it really was.

He didn't expect the faces of his former Tallests to fill the screen.

Zim abruptly choked on his soda.

* * *

Voel growled in annoyance as he sent the second hail. When Zim didn't answer right away – as he typically did – he felt a hot coil began to wind its way down his chest. It was bad enough that he'd been forced to flee the Massive, crammed into a tiny space pod, and was now huddling together with Theron underneath the smelly green cloth the human who'd found them had been wearing before he shot it with his PAK legs, but to have to _wait_ on _Zim_? The urge to kill something was overwhelming.

When the screen finally flickered to life it wasn't Zim who answered. At least, it didn't look like Zim. It kind of looked like one of those human-pigs except that it didn't have those ugly protrusions and its skin was a healthy green color instead of ghastly pale. Then Voel saw the Irken soda in the green human's hand – just as the 'human' in question started to choke on it – and realized that it really was Zim.

"My Tallests?" Zim asked, eyes wide. "What are you-? Why are you-?"

"Is that Zim?" Theron interrupted, leaning over the screen. His violet eyes widened. "Wow, you look really different."

Zim fixed Theron with a disbelieving look. Voel sent his partner a quick glare before returning his attention to the communicator.

"Zim we…" he trailed off into a low grumble, collected himself, and started again. "We need your help."

Zim's multicolored eyes – geez, that was creepy-looking – widened in shock. "You _what_?"

"Don't make me say it again," Voel snapped. "We crashed. We're stuck in the middle of enemy territory and there's _acid _falling from the sky."

"You mean rain?"

"I don't really _care _what it's called, I just want out of it," Voel growled. "We need you to take us to your base."

Underneath the wig, one of Zim's antennae twitched. It was the rough equivalent of a human raising an eyebrow. "You want me to come pick you up?"

Voel growled. "Yes."

"And bring you to my base."

"…Yes."

"Where I live?"

"What the fuck is so hard to understand about what I'm saying!?" Voel roared. Behind him Theron palmed his forehead. Zim stared at Voel blankly for a second, took a long sip of his soda, and 'hm'ed.

"Gimme a minute to think about it."

Then Zim hung up.

* * *

Zim stood frozen in his lab for several minutes after hitting the disconnect key. Three more hails came but he ignored them all. His brain was stuck on just one thing.

The Tallests were on Earth.

The Tallests. Were. On. Earth.

What the fuck?

Somehow, though, he managed to wrap his mind around the concept. When he did his knees started to feel weak. He slumped backwards into the spiked hover chair behind him. They were probably furious by now, but he couldn't really bring himself to care.

But…

Zim sighed. Could he really leave them outside, alone, in the rain? He didn't owe them anything, but he couldn't help but feel sorry for them. "Computer, can you lock onto the Tallests' coordinates?"

DONE. THE TALLESTS ARE CURRENTLY LOCATED IN CENTRAL PARK.

"You mean the central park with all the sci-fi freaks?"

YEP. Zim wasn't sure whether or not he actually heard that note of amusement in his computer's voice. But he agreed. It was funny.

"Computer, open the supply of Irken snacks. Arrange them in the living room. Also, prepare a room for the Tallests."

YES SIR, the computer answered as Zim stalked back towards the elevator.

Back in the living room Skoodge, Mini-moose, and GIR were staring ecstatically at the platter of goodies before them. GIR kept reaching out to take things but Skoodge kept slapping his hand away, insisting that they wait on Zim. When Zim rose back into the main level GIR cheered and attempted to leap into the pile. Again, Skoodge stopped him.

"What's the occasion?" Skoodge asked, struggling to maintain his grip on the squirming robot. Zim pressed his lips into a firm line.

"We're having company." He grabbed his jacket and threw it over his shoulders. "The Tallests crashed in Central Park. I'm going to pick them up."

"NYA!?"

Skoodge's eyes widened in horror and he dropped GIR. GIR sat stunned for a second, then jumped on top of the couch and started beat boxing. "The Tallests are on Earth?" The Skoodge processed the other thing Zim had said. "You're bringing them _here!?_"

"Don't sound so thrilled," Zim replied dryly. "Look, I don't _want _to, but… Well, it's raining out and I kind of… They just…"

"You feel s_orry_ for them?"

Zim shrugged. "I guess so."

Skoodge shook his head sadly. "Zim, they've tried to kill you more times than both of us together can count. They _deserve _it."

Zim couldn't bring himself to voice his disagreement. Yes, the Tallests _had _tried to kill him multiple times, but it wasn't as though he hadn't done anything to provoke them. Skoodge read Zim's expression and sighed in defeat.

"At least wear your PAK. You may need to defend yourself."

The PAK was a small metal object roughly the size and shape of a child's backpack that – on most Irkens – served as a life support system. It looked very much like a ladybug's shell save that it was silver with large pink spots. Zim's PAK was currently stored down in the equipment room, where it had been for close to four years by this point.

"Good idea," Zim replied, heading back towards the elevator. "I might as well take a paste bath while I'm at it."

One of Skoodge's antennae twitched. "Don't you need to get to them in a hurry?" Skoodge's main concern was that the Tallests would be angry, and Zim knew it.

"Eh, I'm pretty sure I've already got them pissed at me, so making them wait a little bit can't hurt." Skoodge's stomach dropped.

"What did you do?"

Zim at least had the decency to look sheepish. "Hung up on them."

Skoodge blanched. "Zim, they really _are_ going to kill you!"

"Not if they want my help they aren't." Zim opened the elevator door and set one foot inside. "And the fact that they called me at all shows how desperate they are."

* * *

"YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT! HOW DARE YOU HANG UP ON US!? DON'T THINK WE'RE SO DESPERATE THAT WE WON'T TEAR OUT YOUR SQUEEDILY-SPOOCH YOU DE-!"

"You do realize he can't hear you, right?"

Voel shot Theron a glare and attempted to send another hail. Like the last two, it went unanswered. "What the fuck is his problem?"

"You can't say you didn't see this coming," Theron pointed out. It wasn't as though that response was entirely unexpected, although he had anticipated something more along the lines of 'YOU left the Almighty Zim to ROT on this ball of _filth_, and now you ask for HELP!?'

"Wait…" Voel turned around to face him. "You knew he would react like that?"

"Well I kind of guessed-"

"Then why the _fuck _did you insist on calling him!?"

"Because it was better than your idiotic plan," Theron snapped, finally getting fed up. Before Voel could snap back he turned and started gliding away. Taking the green cloth that was serving as their only protection with him. Voel's eyes widened as he realized this.

"H-hey, wait!"

* * *

Zim brought the Voot to a hover just above the area where the Tallests' escape pod had landed. He ran a scan for human bio-signatures and, coming up empty, lowered the Voot down into the trees. The large, bubbly purple vehicle sank down into the mud as it hit the soggy ground. Peering through the rain-spattered windshield, Zim saw no sign of the Tallests, though the wrecked heap of metal that had once been their escape pod was quite apparent. As was the dead human lying on the ground. Zim smacked his forehead. "God damn it." He grabbed an umbrella from the seat next to him and climbed out of the Voot, unfurling the device before the rain could make contact with his bare skin.

His T-shirt had been replaced with a black, smart-fabric tank-top that allowed him to equip his PAK as normal. As he approached the wreckage one pink panel on his PAK slid open and a mechanical limb slithered out. The robot arm wound around so that it was in front of Zim holding three small metal spheres, no larger than ordinary marbles. The spheres had faint tracings of pink circuitry that pulsed steadily like a heartbeat. Zim took one of the spheres in his free hand and the robotic arm slid back into his PAK with the other two. He stopped within two feet of the pod and tossed the sphere inside. The sphere 'beeped' loudly as it hit the deck, and in a flash of pink light it was gone. Seconds later a small hole appeared in the very bottom of the pod. With each passing second the hole grew wider and wider as the metal was eaten away. Within minutes all that was left of the escape pod were a few bits of plastic and rubber that the nanobots hadn't been able to consume.

Once the pod had been taken care of Zim turned his attention to the human face-down on the ground. He approached the man, hoping that the Tallests hadn't killed him because of him. He bent, picked up a stick, and then poked the man a few times. There was a moan. Not dead after all. Zim dropped the stick and bent again, letting the umbrella hit the ground. The raindrops pelted his skin, chilling his skin and causing the hair of his wig to stick to his forehead, but leaving him otherwise unaffected. Taking ahold of the human's shoulders Zim flipped the man, revealing a hobo with a scraggly beard and crooked teeth. He was bald on top of his head and wore clothes that were clearly picked out of garbage bins. Blood seeped from his shoulder, staining the off-white T-shirt he was wearing. The robotic arm slid back out of Zim's PAK, this time wielding a knife. Zim took the knife and cut away the man's shirt so that he could get a good look at the wound. It was perfectly smooth and partially cauterized at the edges.

'_Laser shot,_' Zim thought. '_Probably from one of their PAKs._'

Using the strips of cloth he'd cut away Zim covered the wound. The hobo wouldn't die from it, although there was a possibility of it getting infected. Once he'd finished with that the robotic arm withdrew the knife back into this PAK while he rifled through the man's pockets. He didn't find a wallet, but he did find some crumpled bills and change.

'_This way it just looks like he got mugged_.'

Plus Zim just happened to be greedy.

Zim pocketed the money and stood, picking up his umbrella. He surveyed the area, searching for some indication of where the Tallests had gone. There were no tracks, for obvious reasons. Zim hadn't seen the Tallests use their legs since their ascension. He did, however, notice an area where the bushed had been pushed aside. Unsurprisingly the trees were especially thick there. Spinning the umbrella lazily so that droplets were sent flying, Zim started down the vague trail the Tallests had left.

The soppy wet ground squished loudly beneath Zim's feet as he walked, the layer of dead leaves, twigs, and pine needles being the only thing keeping his feet from being sucked down into the muck. Leaf-bare branches scraped and slapped at his arms and his legs, opening up tiny pink lines where his skin was exposed. Zim shivered as a gust suddenly ripped through the trees, whipping up branches and sending an abrupt spray of water directly into his face. He groaned and wiped his face. His eyes were beginning to sting badly as the contacts offered only mild protection. "This is _exactly _how I wanted to spend my afternoon," he growled.

Underneath the wig Zim's antennae twitched. Voices echoed from the trees just up ahead. Ducking into the heavy undergrowth, Zim carefully made his way towards the source of the voices. Peering through the branches, Zim was just able to make out several humanoid shapes. He strained his antennae under the wig in hopes of picking up what they were saying, attempting to edge closer all the while.

"Are you sure? You really saw…?"

"Yeah! I really saw them! There was two of them, all long and green with big bug eyes. One of 'em stabbed Steve with this spider-leg thing in its backpack and they flew away."

"They _flew_ away?"

"Well, more like floated, but you get the idea."

The speakers were standing in the middle of a small clearing with a large crowd of people gathered around. One of them he recognized as the crazy, overweight UFO fan who'd forced him to go through a ridiculous 'initiation' ritual when his ship had crashed in the park a few years ago. The other speaker was a police officer and the reason for his involvement was obvious. A third human lay crumpled on the soggy ground a few feet away, blood pooling underneath him. It appeared the Tallests' second victim had not been as lucky as the first.

"Ma'am, have you had anything strong to drink recently?"

This comment earned the poor officer a lot of 'boo's and jeers from the saucer-morons that made up the crowd. Zim shook his head and continued on, careful not to let himself be seen.

The Tallests' vague trail got harder and harder to follow as Zim went on. The trees weren't so thick anymore so there weren't as many broken branches to lead Zim forward. The wet ground would have been a blessing if the Tallests ever used their legs, but currently it was just a hindrance. Zim's shoes had already been soaked through completely and his feet were numb. His clothes were heavy with ice-cold rain and he couldn't stop himself from shaking like a leaf. "This is so not worth the effort," he grumbled to himself.

A sudden 'snap' nearby caused him to jump. His eyes scanned the area frantically but he saw no one. Suddenly, he felt nervous. What if the Tallests weren't on Earth after all? What if he was walking straight into another trap designed to kill him? "Hello?" Zim called, hoping that it just turned out to be a squirrel or another saucer-moron.

There was no answer, but the bushes ahead continued to rustle. Zim opened his PAK panels, ready to strike in case of an attack. He kept his eye on the rustling bushes ahead and began to edge his way around them. Then a noise from his right caught his attention.

"KEEP AWAY YOU FILTHY INFERIOR CREATURES!"

Zim's head snapped in the direction of the screeching voice just as something plowed into him. The umbrella went flying, hitting the ground with a wet 'splosh.' Zim groaned in pain and tried to sit up, but found he was pinned to the ground by a heavy weight that had settled on top of him. There was another groan and the weight began to shift on top of him. Zim opened his eyes, and gasped in shock.

Tallest Red's own confused eyes locked onto his. There was a brief moment of awkward silence.

Then Red wrapped his hands around Zim's throat and began to choke the life out of him.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had the idea for this and it wouldn't leave me alone. I've seen a few Tallests-on-Earth fics, but none where Zim had already learned the truth. And in all the fics where Zim learned the truth he either turned horribly suicidal or homicidally insane. I wanted to go for something different. As you can see, this Zim is behaving like a relatively normal human being, even if his disguise isn't much better than it used to be. Although I changed his general behavior I tried to keep some key elements of his personality; he's stubborn, selfish, irresponsible, and a bit of a troll. Hopefully anyone reading this will be able to recognize Zim, despite the changes. Although the first chapter ended on a tense note it's actually supposed to be a light-hearted story. Be warned: I do plan on shipping certain characters throughout the story. Beware of ZaDr, ZaRr, and PaGr.


	2. Chapter 2: The Saucer Morons Strike Back

**Chapter 2: The Saucer Morons Strike Back**

Zim kicked and struggled as Voel's four fingers closed around his throat. He could feel the Tallest's claws digging into his skin, drawing blood. Voel's eyes were narrowed into angry slits and steam rose from his skin. His teeth were bared in an angry snarl as he glared down, his ruby-red eyes boring into Zim's false lavender ones. Zim tried to pry the Tallest's fingers off of his throat, but to no avail. He tried to shout but the only sounds he could make were pained gasps. His head was spinning and his vision was beginning to go dark…

"NYA!"

"Aaaargh!" Voel reeled back in pain as some_thing_ clamped onto his antenna. The second his grip on Zim had slackened the smaller Irken slid out from underneath him, scrambling to put distance between the two of them. Zim crouched low, extending his mechanical PAK legs which were already sparking and buzzing at the tips with green energy. He glared openly at the Tallest, baring his teeth much the same way Voel had.

"Voel! Voel where are-?"

Theron let his unfinished question hang in the air as he rushed onto the scene from the opposite direction Voel had come. He took in the sight of Voel kneeling in the mud with a look of fury on his face and a small, brown, horned creature chewing on his antenna. He took in the sight of Zim, crouched low in a defensive stance with his legs extended and pink blood trickling down the exposed column of his bruised throat. His mind put two and two together and he put his hands up in a disarming gesture.

"Whoa, whoa! Everybody calm- RED! DON'T DO THAT!"

Voel's own PAK legs were now extending outward, sparking at the tips with the same green energy as Zim's. He reached up, ripped the tiny brown creature from his antenna and threw it aside without a glance. The creature squeaked in protest, regaining its balance in midair. After righting itself it floated over to Zim's side, scowling at Voel as it hovered protectively over Zim. Theron stepped between the two, keeping his hands up.

"Red, stop! We still need his help!"

Voel shot his partner a dirty look, but slowly his legs were sliding back into the panels on his PAK. The LM in his PAK whirred to life as he rose, still glaring holes into Zim's head. Zim didn't move until Voel's legs were fully withdrawn. When he did his movements were guarded. He reached for the umbrella lying a few inches away without taking his eyes off of his former leaders. His legs slid back into his PAK and he stood slowly, holding the umbrella above his head. Theron breathed a sigh of relief, although the horned creature remained openly hostile.

Theron flashed Zim a nervous smile, antennae lowering in apprehension. Out of the two, Voel had always been better at handling Zim, but apparently that had gone out the airlock. He opened his mouth to try negotiating…

"Fuck you both."

Whatever Theron had been planning to say died on his tongue. Zim turned and started walking off without another word. The floaty-creature with him stayed just long enough to blow both Tallests a raspberry before flying off after Zim.

The Tallests exchanged bewildered expressions. Then Theron started for Zim, desperate to escape the burning rain by any means necessary.

He would grovel, if it came to that.

"H-hey! Wait!" Zim didn't so much as slow down. "You can't just leave us out here!"

"Why not? You did."

"B-but the rain…"

Suddenly Zim folded up his umbrella. He collapsed the handle and then threw the device at Theron. The purple Tallest's reflexes were not as sharp as they had been years ago when he had been in Elite training and the umbrella hit him square in the face. Theron bent and fumbled for the umbrella while Voel's face flushed with anger. He floated right past his partner, now covered up to his elbows with mud, and went straight for Zim.

"Stop," he called in an authorative voice. When Zim didn't he added, "Defect Zim, s_top right this instant!_"

Finally Zim did stop. He turned and fixed Voel with the most hateful glare the red-clad Tallest had ever seen anyone give anyone.

"_What_ did you just call me?"

Theron stood, umbrella in hand. He glanced at Voel with a pitiful look while struggling to open the device. "Red, please. He's here to help us!"

"Well not anymore, I'm not," Zim snapped. The rain had washed away most of the blood on his throat, but the mottled purple and green bruises were really quite ugly. Theron flinched at the sight of them. Voel, however, only seemed to become more enraged. He glided right up to Zim, leaning down so that his face was close to the smaller's. Any other Irken would have shrunk back. The little horned creature huddling on Zim's shoulder did. It squeaked and flew into Zim's pocket, working its way into the warm denim. Zim, however, held his ground, keeping his eyes level with Voel's.

"Listen you little defect, I…" he trailed off. He didn't notice Zim's eyes flicker to the side or widen. He did notice that Zim was much taller than he remembered. Yes, the top of Zim's head only just reached his chest, but it was a drastic improvement from cycles earlier when he had only been knee-high to the Tallests.

Voel's line of thought was cut off abruptly. Without warning Zim shoved him into the bushes. Voel went down with no resistance and Theron followed seconds later, landing right on top of his partner with a loud 'ow.' Voel shifted and tried to climb out of the thick undergrowth, but in the process of shifting he'd stuck his hand out of the bush and the second it was visible Zim's foot came down hard on it.

"OW!"

"Shut up and stay down stupid!" Zim hissed. It was only then that the Tallests saw what Zim had seen; the glint of metal through the trees that came from the human-pigs' weird metal hats. Theron clamped one of his hands over his partner's mouth to keep him from screaming as Zim pretended to lean casually against the nearest tree, with his foot still on Voel's hand. He didn't bother to pick up the umbrella that had once again landed in the muck. Instead he crossed his arms and started whistling a random tune as two humans burst through the trees.

The shorter of the two wore a long white coat and had large, ovular lenses that covered its face. A wild mop of frizzy brown fur protruded from its head, but it lacked fur on its face or in its protrusions. Instead of the saucer-shaped metal hat its companion wore, a green band rested in its jungle of fur, two wire antennae jutting out at strange angles. Its body was thin, especially around the waist and it had two small protrusions on its chest that neither the grey-furred human from before nor the human standing next to it now had.

The taller had pale blonde hair peeking out from underneath its helmet-thing and it stood about as tall as the Tallests themselves. Its body sported huge muscles and it looked like it could crush Zim's skull just by wrapping its paw around his head. It had wide eyes and a sort of dull look on its face, reminding Voel of something Zim had told him cycles earlier. Something about humans being tall and dumb.

The humans scanned the scene furtively before taking notice of Zim. The small one approached him first, a look of wild desperation on its face.

"Hey you! Kid!"

Zim stopped whistling and looked at the humans as though he were just noticing them for the first time. He didn't say anything in favor of staring at the woman with a look of bored annoyance on his face.

"Have you seen two aliens float past here?"

Zim stared at the woman as though she were crazy. He did his best to imitate a human raising its eyebrow – despite his lack thereof – and replied in a flat voice, "Aliens?"

The humans nodded eagerly, clearly incapable of deciphering body language.

"Like, little green men with antennas and bug-eyes?"

The humans nodded again, sending waves of white-hot anger through Voel. If Theron hadn't been pinning him down, he would have leapt out of the bush then and there and stabbed all three of them with his PAK legs.

"Nope, haven't seen 'em," Zim said before resuming whistling his tune. The large human's shoulders slumped and the corners of his mouth fell down in a frown. He started to walk away but the small human grabbed his arm suddenly. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she had tilted her head forward slightly so that she could see Zim over her glasses.

"Wait a minute," she said, her squeaky voice grating on the antennae of the three Irkens, "What are you doing out here?"

Zim hesitated for a moment, having thought of no excuse for his presence. Awkwardly he answered, "Whistling and leaning against a tree, duh. Is it suddenly illegal to whistle while leaning against a tree?"

"No, but it is suspicious," the squeaky-voice human answered. She glanced around, then returned her gaze to Zim, smirking as she said, "You know what I think? I think you're hiding them."

Both Tallests tensed, but Zim remained wholly unconcerned. He fixed the woman with a dry look before saying, "All right all right, you got me. I'll tell you where they are." The Tallests could feel their cardiac-spooches hammering their ribcages. Zim could easily sell them out. WOULD Zim sell them out? "For fifty bucks."

Apparently he would. Literally.

Voel strained to get up, but Zim's heel suddenly pressed down firmly on his hand before lifting just enough for Voel to slide his hand out from underneath. The red Tallest stared at Zim for a moment through the veil of leaves and twigs. There was nothing malicious in his expression, nor vengeful. He was just watching the small human play with a weird brown rectangle she'd pulled out of her coat pocket. The woman pulled out some green paper and handed it to Zim. He took the paper, but instead of pocketing it he added, "Each."

The humans' jaws dropped. The large one looked rather distressed as it whined, "But I don't have any money!" The woman sighed and reached back into her pocket.

"How 'bout seventy-five from me?"

"How 'bout a hundred?"

The woman scowled. "You seriously want me to pay fifty _more_ dollars?"

"No. I want a _hundred_ more." The woman put on a horrified expression.

"I don't _have _that much money!"

Zim flashed them a cheeky smile. "Well then, I guess you're not finding your aliens." He pushed off from the tree and started to walk away, leaving the Tallests hiding in the bush.

Suddenly the woman called out, "Wait!"

Zim paused and turned around, an expectant look on his face. The woman scowled, and then pulled something off of her finger. It was a tiny gold band with a glittering red stone set into it. She held it out to Zim on her open palm and said, "I got this for a hundred and fifty bucks on eBay. It's probably worth more than that. Trade?"

Zim eyed the ring thoughtfully. Then he put on a disinterested face and answered, "Well, I don't normally do trades, but I'll make an exception, just this once."

He held out his free hand to accept the ring. The woman dropped it in his hand and he immediately pocketed it. The woman watched him intently. When he didn't say anything right away, in favor of counting the bills in his hand she snapped, "_Well_?"

"Well what?" Zim asked, feigning confusion.

"The aliens!" the woman shrieked. "Where are they!?"

Zim tried and failed to hide a smirk. "Oooh, right. The aliens. They flew over the moon so they could phone home."

In the undergrowth the Tallests exchanged bemused expressions. The fuzzy-headed human's face was turning bright red and her body had gone tense. She balled her shaking hands into fists and clenched her teeth together so hard that the Tallests could hear her grinding them from their hiding spot. Her companion, however, merely looked confused, evidently lacking the brainpower to comprehend Zim's scam. The woman thrust her hand forward, pointing at Zim's face as she shrieked.

"You lying, thieving little brat! Just wait until I call your parents! How dare- OW!" Zim suddenly snapped his teeth down on her finger. She yanked her hand back immediately, cradling the injured digit. "You bit me!"

"Well you shouldn't have stuck your filthy hand in my face," Zim hissed. He made a big show of wiping his mouth off and spitting on the ground. The woman huffed indignantly and, finally, her companion began to look pissed.

"That's no way to treat a lady!" he roared, little flecks of saliva flying everywhere. Zim gave him a bored look as he wiped off his face.

"Lady? If that's a lady, then I'm the Easter Bunny."

The large human suddenly lunged for Zim. Zim sidestepped his attacker easily, sticking his foot out just in time to catch the human's ankle. The human hit the mud face-first with a loud 'splosh' and Zim took off running. The woman sprinted after him while screaming at her companion, "Get him! Get my ring back!"

The woman tore through the trees as her companion – face dripping with mud – lumbered after her. Only when the sound of snapping twigs and crashing branches faded did the Tallests pull themselves up out of the undergrowth. They half-heartedly wiped the mud, leaves, and briars from their robes as they stared at the spot where Zim had disappeared, then turned to each other. Theron was the first to speak.

"What the hell just happened?"

* * *

For a brief moment Zim was completely out of the humans' line of sight, and that was all he needed. His legs shot out of his PAK and latched onto the branches high above his head. In an instant he was lifted up into the thick canopy, and by the time the humans burst through the bushes he was gone. They kept running without even realizing that his trail of footprints had ended abruptly. Zim snickered to himself as they raced off into the woods and seated himself comfortably on a sturdy branch, partially retracting his legs as he did.

He toyed with the idea of going back for the Tallests, but ultimately decided against it. It had been a bad idea to start with, and it should not have taken Tallest Red nearly ripping his throat out for him to realize that.

Inside his pocket Mini-moose squirmed. It poked its head out into the frigid air, Zim's newly acquired ring stuck on one of its antlers. "Nya?"

Zim smiled at the little creature, not forgetting its part in his escape. With one finger he rubbed its head, earning a delighted squeak. "What do you think, Mini-moose, you ready to go home?"

"Nya!"

Taking that as a 'yes' Zim fully retracted his PAK legs and pulled his organic ones up onto the branch. Positioning himself into a crouch, he prepared to make the jump only to freeze when he heard the sound of twigs snapping and branches being shoved aside. Thinking that the saucer morons had returned he edged his way closer to the trunk of the tree where the shadows and thick overgrowth kept him effectively hidden.

Much to Zim's surprise, it was not the saucer-morons who appeared stumbling though the bushes, but the Tallests. Zim found it strange that they had chosen to float in the same direction he had run off in. If he had been stuck in the same situation, he would have run in the exact _opposite_ direction as the crazy humans. Theron was in possession of the umbrella once again but had yet to figure out how to operate the simple device. Voel scanned the area much more methodically than the humans had. Zim was thankful that the saucer-morons had trampled right over his footprints.

"Do you think they got him?" Theron asked while straining to open the umbrella by prying apart the metal frame. Voel kept his eyes on the path ahead.

"I doubt we're that lucky."

Zim's eyes narrowed. A low growl rose from Mini-moose's throat, but Zim quickly shushed his tiny companion.

"We might be that unlucky, though. We're right back where we started. We have no idea where we are, no way to set up a proper base… And this stuff falling from the sky! My skin is still smoking but I can't feel anything anymore! Can you feel anything? I didn't even notice until just now!" In frustration he smacked the umbrella against a tree. "How the hell does this thing work!?" Voel hummed in response. Theron eyed his partner thoughtfully. Then his expression twisted into a scowl and he said, "This is your fault, you know."

Voel whirled around, fixing Theron with a glare. "My fault?"

"Yeah, your fault. I saw the bruises. If you hadn't tried to rip his throat out-"

"I did _not_ try to rip his throat out!" Voel growled. Then, a bit awkwardly, he added, "I was trying to strangle him."

Up in the trees Zim suppressed a snort of derision. He felt sorry for these bastards? Not anymore. '_Go rot_,' he thought.

"I wouldn't have killed him!" Voel cried in protest to Theron's disapproving look.

"So, when exactly were you planning to let go then?"

Voel bit his lip. "I-I don't know. I was pissed off. I didn't really mean-" He didn't want to admit that he had reacted on impulse when his self-control was the one thing he had always prided himself on. He wasn't guilty that he had hurt Zim; he was embarrassed that he had screwed himself and his partner over by chasing away the only person who could help them.

A flash of light and sudden loud crash from above cut off his line of thought. Voel and Theron's eyes shot skyward simultaneously as their PAK legs unsheathed themselves. Their lasers were already charged, but they could find no enemy to fire at. Zim remained frozen, praying that they did not notice him. He knew that no human would be able to see him, but he did not trust the shadows to keep him fully concealed from the Tallests' ocular implants.

After several tense moments the Tallests withdrew their lasers. Zim let out a breath he did not know he was holding as they began to float away but seconds later there was another flash of lightning. The thunder rumbling overhead probably sounded like the engines of an old warship to the Tallests. If Zim were not so worried about them noticing him he would have found their reactions comical. Again they armed themselves, pointing their PAK legs to the sky. Once again they found no enemy to fire at.

"Who's out there!?" Voel roared to the sky. "Show yourself! Who dares threaten the Almighty Tallest!?"

Zim shook his head as he watched the Tallests blunder about, searching for their unseen tormentor. When Voel actually fired a laser off into the sky he realized something rather astonishing.

They were hopeless.

The supposedly all-knowing, all-powerful, almighty leaders of the Irken Empire were absolutely hopeless.

They probably would not last a day on this planet, maybe not even that. And when they got carted off, autopsied, and the existence of alien life became common knowledge…

'_What happens to me, then?_'

"Earth filth! You dare invoke the wrath of the Irken Elite!?"

Zim sighed. He shifted so that he was seated on the tee branch with his legs were dangling in the air and called, "You realize if you keep doing that, this place will be swarming with saucer morons?"

Voel and Theron jumped at the sound of his voice. They turned to face him, lasers automatically targeting his location. They cringed when they saw who it was, mortified to realize Zim had been listening to them. Zim leapt down from the tree, landing in a crouch feet from them. He stood and fixed the Tallests with a dry look.

"You two are absolutely hopeless, you know that?"

Voel's face flushed with rage and embarrassment. "What did you just say!?"

Zim chose not to answer. He snatched the umbrella from Theron's hands, pointed it down and away from all three of them, and hit the button on the handle. The handle shot out and the umbrella blossomed, sending flecks of mud and rainwater flying. He then presented the umbrella handle-first to Theron, who accepted it with a blush.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Zim replied as he turned and started to walk off. Theron floated after him, followed by Voel.

"No, really, we-"

"Seriously, don't mention it."

Theron was a bit vexed, but he reminded himself that he needed Zim to survive on this acid-soaked planet. Voel, on the other hand, gave into his frustration. He glided right up to Zim and grabbed his shoulder, forcing Zim to turn.

"Listen you defect, you have absolutely _no_ right to speak to a Tallest like tha-"

Zim's PAK legs suddenly unsheathed themselves, causing Voel to instinctively flinch back, his own PAK panels flying open. Mini-moose floated above Zim's head, growling at Voel as Zim glowered at his former Tallest. He held his gaze for a moment and then retracted the limbs. Both kept their eyes on the others for a long while and then Zim said, "Touch me again and I really will leave you behind."

The Tallests' eyes widened. Theron stepped forward. "Does that mean…?"

Zim sighed and scratched the back of his neck, averting his eyes as he replied, "Well, it's been a while since I've done anything stupid. I figure this probably fits the bill." He turned and continued to walk off again. "Stay close and keep quiet. And if anyone comes just jump in the bushes again."

Zim did not wait to make sure the Tallests were following him. He chose a path that took them away from where he had led the humans and carefully guided his way through the undergrowth without a word. He no longer walked with the stiff military march he had been beaten into maintaining when he had still been in training on Irk. He strode through the thick woods almost effortlessly. He was not lazy with his movements, however. Each step was made with quick, careful deliberation, giving the Tallests the impression that he was used to sneaking about in such a manner.

Theron held the umbrella above his head and Voel floated close beside him, huddling with his partner under the meager shelter. The three of them went on in silence for a long while. The thunderstorm turned out to be a blessing as they ran into no humans and few animals. The Tallests still jumped at each crack of thunder, but Zim continued on as though he did not even notice it. Mini-moose turned and seemed to snicker at their reactions, but neither one of them was really sure.

The damp air felt weird to Voel, even with the umbrella to keep the rain from assailing his sensitive skin. He opened his mouth and sucked in. Hundreds of odors bombarded the scent receptors coating his delicate tongue; decay, earth, animal droppings, fungus, fur, pine needles, rain and…

Zim.

Voel's red eyes locked onto Zim's back. Thanks to the implants in his eyes he could see every drop of rain that beaded up on his bare skin and rolled down his exposed shoulders and arms. Zim was showing far more skin than was deemed appropriate for an Irken. Even his hands were bare, and whatever fabric his disguise was made of seemed to soak up the acid and cling to his tiny body. Irritation bubbled in Voel's stomach, rekindling the anger he had only just snuffed down. His own robes lacked the same long sleeves as most Irken uniforms, but they still preserved more modesty than that.

Theron glanced at his partner out of the corner of his eye. Confusion graced his features for only a brief moment before his eyes widened a fraction of an inch and the corner of his mouth quirked upwards. Deciding to intervene before his friend could throw another tantrum, he turned to Zim and asked, "So… How's life?"

Zim glanced over his shoulder briefly, but didn't pause. "Okay, I guess."

The silence was awkward and uncomfortable. Zim hadn't really left any room for the conversation to continue, and neither Tallest really knew how to initiate one. Especially not with him.

Zim shoved aside a branch with a loud 'crack'. He continued to hold the branch aside as the Tallests floated out of the thicket to find themselves at the top of a green hill. At the bottom of the hill the greenery gave way to what looked like a lake of black stone. Yellow markings divided up the 'lake' into many small sections and a few metal land-vehicles sat forlornly in the rain.

After giving the area a quick examination Zim slid down the hill and stepped forward onto the lake. The Tallests glided after him, confusion evident in their expressions.

"I don't see your Voot anywhere," Voel said, mouth twisted into a frown. Zim shrugged.

"We're not taking the Voot. It barely fits one normal-sized person, forget the three of us."

Voel was fairly certain that Zim's comment had been meant as a sort of backhanded insult, but Zim barely give him a chance to pick up on it. Walking up to a car seemingly at random Zim extracted one PAK leg. The metal limb extended at the tip to become a needle-thin wire which Zim inserted into the car in the tiny space between the glass of the driver's side window and the metal of the door. After working the appendage for a few seconds there was a 'click' and Zim retracted his leg. He swung the door open and sat down on the leather seat, not caring that he had just smeared mud all over the interior of someone's car. Mini-moose flew from Zim's shoulder to the passenger's side seat, making itself comfortable on the leather.

Zim flipped a switch on the door which caused the car to make another 'click' noise. "Get in," he said without looking at either Tallest. Instead he focused his attention on the wheel-shaped steering device jutting out from beneath the front window. His PAK opened again, only instead of arming a weapon in produced a tool the Irkens would have called a _drivet._ The humans called it a screwdriver. Zim undid the screws underneath he steering wheel quickly and carefully. He let the screws drop to the floor and pulled off the plastic panel they had been holding in, revealing a mess of wires. His PAK leg reappeared, taking the screwdriver from his organic hand and replacing it with a pair of wire strippers. The Tallests – Voel in particular – watched with fascination as Zim selected, cut, and stripped a pair of red wires.

"What are you doing?" Theron asked. He was now seated next to Voel in the back seat of the car, still holding the unfurled umbrella out the open door.

"Hotwiring the car," Zim explained as he twisted the now bare wires together. He then took a brown wire and stripped that one as well. The PAK leg took the wire strippers back as Zim touched the brown and red wires together. The car roared to life. Zim placed his right foot over the gas pedal and pressed it lightly, creating more of that roaring sound.

"Couldn't you just hack the computer?" Voel asked somewhat disinterestedly, though he carefully took note of everything Zim did.

"This car doesn't have a computer," Zim answered. "Some do, but they tend to be really expensive, so not many people have them. Plus the newer models have built-in alarms. That's why I chose this old one."

Carefully arranging the wires back in place, Zim seated the plastic panel back in place. He used his PAK leg to gather up all of the screws before pulling the screwdriver back out and refastening the panel. Pulling his other foot into the car, Zim closed the door and began to adjust the rearview mirror. As he did he caught sight of Theron holding the umbrella out of the side of the car. "You can close that now."

Theron rubbed the back of his neck and gave a nervous laugh. "I don't know how."

Zim rolled his eyes. "You see that black part at the top?"

Theron looked into the metal web that held the umbrella open and saw the object Zim was referring to; a black slider fastened around the stem of the umbrella.

"Pull that all the way down. Careful not to pinch your fingers."

Theron did what Zim said, finding that the umbrella slid closed quite easily. He rested the wet, muddy umbrella in his lap and pulled the car door shut. Voel, meanwhile, watched as Zim hit a series of switches inside the car. One caused a blast of air to hit him in the face. Zim held his hand over a tiny vent seated in the car's primitive control panel before adjusting it so it wasn't pointed right at Voel's face.

"It'll take a minute to get warm," Zim explained. He adjusted the side mirrors with another switch before adjusting his seat. Theron let out a sigh of relief as Zim's seat slid forward and raised slightly, giving him room to stretch his legs. Voel had no such luxury, but as long as the rain wasn't falling on him anymore he didn't care.

While he was waiting for the car to heat up Zim decided to take care of the Voot. His PAK opened yet again, a mechanical leg handing him his communicator. He tapped the screen a few times, wirelessly sending instructions to the vehicle left abandoned in the woods. The altitude was set so that the Voot would remain above the clouds and out of sight. Zim put the Voot into autopilot and instructing it to fly home. Then he handed his PAK leg the communicator and both slid back into his PAK, which pressed uncomfortably against his back as he leaned against he now muddy car seat. He'd forgotten how cumbersome the small object could be.

It didn't take long for the inside of the car to get warm. Shortly after putting the communicator away Zim shifted the car into drive and took off. Voel felt a bit nervous at first, realizing that Zim could only barely see over the control panel. But as they pulled out onto the road and sped down the street without incident his anxiety faded away and he was able to go back to being annoyed.

He shouldn't have been going through all of this. He should have been safe and comfortable on the Massive, not running around in burning-cold stuff, getting covered with filth while being chased by lower life-forms. He certainly shouldn't have been relying on _Zim _of all people to save him, and Zim…

Shouldn't have been acting the way he was.

Shouldn't be running around half-dressed.

"Why are you dressed like that?"

Zim didn't answer at first. He shot Voel a confused look in the rearview mirror before asking, "Like what?"

"Like that," Voel repeated, his words coming out dangerously low. "You're barely covered."

"These are my normal clothes," Zim half-lied. He put on the blinker and glanced over his shoulder, preparing to pull onto the interstate. "Besides, how I dress isn't any of your business."

Voel's antennae lowered in anger, and he felt his eye twitch involuntarily. Did Zim seriously run around on this planet with his arms and neck exposed? Didn't he have any decency?

"I like it," Theron spoke up suddenly, attempting to avert the oncoming argument. "It looks comfortable."

Zim 'hm'ed but didn't really respond. He pulled the car onto the interstate. Fortunately for the group, traffic was very thin. The Tallests did their best to keep their heads down so that no one saw them, but curiosity incited them to press their faces against the glass every so often and stare. The vehicles on Earth weren't like the ones on Irk, all pink and bubbly. Human-made cars came in many different shapes and sizes, some bubbly and some boxy. Theron's eyes widened as one very, very long black vehicle passed theirs. The windows were darkened so it was impossible to see the passengers. Theron wondered if the passengers could see them through the fog that had accumulated on the glass.

Beyond the black river Zim was driving down the Tallests could see more of those green-furred objects extending seemingly forever. From their raised vantage on the interstate they could see that the objects were conical in shape, with pointed tips and little brown things nestled in the branches. As they drove on the green conical things eventually gave way to open spaces and small buildings. When Zim pulled off on the next exit those small buildings gave way to big buildings, and soon enough the big buildings gave way into huge buildings. The Tallests were shocked to see buildings just as tall as – taller even – than the Tallest Tower jutting out from the grey landscape all around them. Unlike on Irk, the theme for Earthen architecture seemed to be grey and boxy. It should have been horribly depressing to look at, but splashes of color on every street chased away any lingering gloom. Multi-colored plants hung from posts or leaned out windows, striped banners covered doors, and paintings and posters covered fence posts and blank walls.

There were very few people out in the thunderstorm, but those that were seemed to match the cars and the buildings in their variety. Most humans were very tall, just as Zim had told them, but there were a few smaller ones mixed in. Nearly all of them were bundled up in thick layers of clothes, the color, length, and style of which seemed to be unique on each human. Some had rain-shields, just like the one Zim had lent Theron, though the wind seemed intent on ripping these umbrellas from their owners' hands.

Zim was forced to slow the car to a crawl as they reached the downtown area. While not many humans were running around in the rain, the streets themselves were clogged with humans trying to get home. The Tallests noticed that a large percentage of these vehicles were yellow cars that reminded them of the Voot-Taxis driven around Foodcourtia.

"Isn't there a way to get out of here faster?" Voel huffed impatiently.

Zim shot him a look in the rearview. "You wanna get out and run?"

Voel was silent.

"That's what I thought. Here, I'll put on some music. At least that way it won't be so boring."

Before either Tallest could ask the obvious question Zim pressed a knob on the control panel just below the vent that was blasting warm air into the interior of the car. Noise immediately filled the car, causing the Irkens to flatten their antennae instinctively. Mini-moose bolted awake with a loud squeak, having dosed off long ago. Zim turned the same knob and the sound became softer, more bearable. Then his hand glided to a different knob and turned that one steadily. The sounds coming from the box began to change, some coming in clear, others scratchier and scratchier.

_It's been confirmed the aliens have landed._

The Tallests jumped in the backseat as a male voice read the announcement over the radio. Their antennae stiffened as they waited attentively for the speaker to continue. Instead of continuing the report, however, a strange, rhythmic sound played. The voice repeated the line and then the rhythmic sound continued, becoming louder and fuller.

"It's just a song," Zim sighed. "Alien Youth. I like this one."

He turned the volume up, filling the car with 'Alien Youth.' The Tallests were mesmerized by the music and the singing. It seemed very aggressive, and yet it was somehow stimulating.

"So, there are many aliens on this planet?" Theron asked, apparently taking the song literally. "And they all seek to conquer it?"

"Huh? No," Zim replied, a single antenna twitching against his skull. "It's just a song."

"But an alien is making this song?"

"Of course not. It's a human."

"But he refers to himself as an alien?"

"In the song, yeah."

"What's the point of that?"

Zim thought for a moment. "There isn't one. It's just for fun."

This sort of 'fun' was beyond either Tallests' comprehension. They listened quietly as the song ended and the next one began. Zim inched the car slowly through traffic and by the time they were back up to normal speed the Tallests become very fond of music. Theron in particular seemed to have grown very attached to it, and would whine incessantly every time a commercial came on.

Zim was more relieved than he thought he'd be when his neighborhood approached. Maybe it was Theron's constant whining, or the fact that Voel still looked like he wanted to run him through with one of his PAK legs. Or maybe he was just reeeeeeeally looking forward to taking a nice, hot bath.

The Tallests were able to spot Zim's base right away as Zim pulled onto the cul-de-sac where he lived. Though the styling and architecture appeared – to the Tallests' eyes – identical to any typical human home, his was the only one on the block with a pointed roof, and the colors were much more vibrant. Zim pulled alongside the car and stopped the car, though he left the engine running. Shutting off the radio – much to Theron's displeasure – Zim summoned the communicator from his PAK once again. This time he turned on the audio and held the small device up to his mouth.

"GIR, com here."

"GIR?" Theron repeated. "GIR as in 'what does the G stand for' GIR?"

"Yup."

"You kept that stupid thing?"

Zim turned and fixed Theron with a dry look. Then in a completely flat tone of voice he said, "It's not stupid. It's advanced."

Voel growled low in his throat, but Zim ignored him in favor of putting away the communicator and unbuckling himself from the car. He swung the door open and stepped out, Mini-moose flying out and settling itself on his shoulder just in time for GIR to come running dressed in an odd green suit with black hands and feet, two black triangles on the head, and a weird red triangle coming from the mouth.

GIR stared up at Zim with dopey eyes as Zim said, "Hey GIR, you wanna go for a ride?"

The disguised robot let out a happy cheer that sounded more like a frenzied screech. The Tallests climbed out of the car, glancing around nervously as they did. There didn't seem to be any humans about save for one strange plump one who was using a hose to shoot water at the side of a house.

"Here ya go," Zim said, sidestepping so that GIR could hop into the driver's seat of the car. Zim slammed the door shut and seconds later GIR sped off, tires squealing against the pavement and kicking up a cloud of dirt and exhaust. The Tallests started coughing incessantly and even Zim was doubled over with tears in his eyes.

"Why did y- _cough_, you do that?" Voel asked once the coughing had subsided enough for him to take a breath.

Zim opened his mouth and sucked in a lungful of clear air as the dust cloud dissipated. The familiar smells of his neighborhood wafted over his scent glands and eased his coughing fit. "I'm not going to keep a stolen car in front of my house." Zim almost added 'dumbass,' but what little bit of common sense he had left stopped him. He knew GIR wouldn't return with the car; the psychotic little robot would more likely than not crash it somewhere in the city, mourn for a few seconds, then get distracted by something – likely food – before flying home with a head full of tacos or some other disgusting take-out.

Zim led the Tallests up the stone path to his front door. The woman watering her house turned to glance at them once, revealing a huge misshapen lump on her forehead. The Tallests recoiled at the sight of it. The woman didn't even flinch. She simply stared at the trio blankly before dropping the hose on her lawn. Then she turned and walked into her house, leaving the hose lying there with the water still running.

Zim didn't say or do anything about it.

"Um, shouldn't we stop that human or something?" Theron asked nervously. Zim shrugged.

"Eh, don't worry. She's got a brain tumor. By the time she picks up the phone to call the police she'll have already forgotten what she was doing."

Zim reached for the doorknob but before his hand had even touched the metal the purple men's room door swung open, revealing a rather distraught Skoodge.

"Oh, thank God you're back. I was starting to think- What the hell happened to your neck?"

"Tripped and fell on a branch," Zim lied as he brushed past Skoodge. Theron and Voel exchanged awkward glances before gliding in after him.

The interior of Zim's home seemed to be an odd mix of Irken and human architecture. Green striped wallpaper lined the walls, giving way to false-wood head- and floorboards. A gas fireplace made up the centerpiece of the wall across from the front door, the mantle covered with mixed photos of Zim, Skoodge, Zim's robots, and a few random humans. The fireplace itself was made of the same red metal used in most Irken construction, and the ceiling was swathed red, purple and pink wires. A plush, purple couch sat against the wall adjacent to the fireplace, across from which was what appeared to be a very large CRT on top of a false-wood stand. A wide poster hung over the couch, the subject of which was a furry, green, large-eyed creature with a tail and just in front of the couch was a low-standing purple table covered with a plethora of Irken snacks.

"Nya!" Mini-moose squeaked loudly in protest of Zim's lie. Zim flicked Mini-moose on the head before making a beeline for the stairs.

"Help yourselves to the snacks, they're for you," he said without turning his eyes to either Tallest. "I had a room set up for you before I left. Skoodge can show you where it is." Skoodge blanched at this. Zim ignored him in favor of trudging up the stairs, leaving large muddy footprints in his wake. Skoodge blanched at that as well.

"Zim, where are you going?" Skoodge asked, a piteous tone in his speech. Mentally he was pleading Zim not to leave him alone with their former leaders.

"To take a bath. I'm freezing."

Under his breath, Voel growled, "You wouldn't be if you didn't run around half-dressed." Theron elbowed him sharply.

If Zim heard Voel he didn't show it. He was up the stairs in seconds, disappearing around the corner without sparing anyone a second glance. Theron went straight for the snacks, but Voel's eyes stayed on Zim until the smaller Irken was out of sight. When Zim rounded the corner his eyes remained on the spot where Zim had been moments earlier. He didn't look away until he heard a low growling in his antenna.

Voel flinched, half-expecting an attack, and turned to scowl at Mini-moose, who was floating inches away from his head. The tiny, moose-shaped robot was glaring hatefully at the Tallest. "Shoo," Voel hissed. The robot stuck its tongue out at him once more before flying off. Voel didn't see where it went and he didn't care.

"Where's our room?" he asked Skoodge, glaring at the pudgy Irken out of the corner of his eye. Skoodge jumped at Voel's voice, which was still laced with anger.

"U-uh, right this way!" Skoodge rushed to show the Tallest the room Zim had set up for him. Voel noticed that Skoodge had also grown considerably since he'd last seen the other. Even floating inches off of the ground he was only about a head taller than Skoodge now. It was unfortunate that he hadn't had his miraculous growth spurt while he was on Blorch or even before.

Skoodge was also wearing articles of human clothing, though he was much more covered than Zim had been. His outfit wasn't particularly complex; just a burgundy turtleneck and a pair of khakis. His hands were still exposed, but at least he wasn't outside.

Skoodge led Voel to the stairs after Zim. They were topped with the same purple and orange checkered tile as the rest of the living room, giving way to off-white carpet at the very top. Skoodge walked to the end of the hall, passing two doors as he did. "This one's my room," he pointed at the first door, "and this one's Zim's," he pointed at the second one. "Just in case you need either of us. Yours is this one here on the end."

As Skoodge opened the door for Voel, the Tallest's eyes widened in shock. The room Zim had provided for him and Theron looked almost _exactly_ the same as the one in the Tallest Tower and on the Massive. A single, large round bed with plush magenta blankets and purple curtains hanging from the high-frame made up the centerpiece of the room. Thick, luxurious pink carpeting stretched wall-to-wall. There were two ornate armoires, one red and one purple, standing side-by-side against one wall, and a large mural of what appeared to be an orbital view of Irk on the other. Just like its counterparts in the Tallest Tower and on the Massive, this room had one other exit. A single oval-shaped hatch stood in the same place as its counterparts, next to the armoires and across from the bed. If it really was the same, then that door would lead to a large bathing area.

"So, um, here you go. That door over there leads to the bathroom, and the wall there turns into a TV." Skoodge pointed at the mural. "If you need anything you can just let Computer know. He can take care of most things himself."

Voel nodded. "That will be all." He didn't look at Skoodge, or even acknowledge the fact that he referred to the base's AI like it was a person. Skoodge scurried off, much like any typical drone would on the Massive. Though he'd grown taller he didn't seem to have developed much of a backbone.

But maybe that was because Zim had enough for the both of them.

The red-clad Tallest snorted at the thought as he glided to the hatch that led to the restroom. Again, he found the décor to be identical to the Tallests' private bathing areas in the Tallest Tower and on the Massive. Pale pink tiles covered the floor and the walls. A large, round tub was seated directly into the floor, large enough for two people to stretch out comfortably in it and soak. Steam vents lined the walls, making the room into a veritable sauna. The tub, the vents, and the hanging overhead lights had bold magenta accents and the wall opposite the door was concealed by three full-length mirrors, each lined with small white lights. There were multiple faucets sprouting from the center of the tub, each equipped to dispense a different type of soap or perfume.

The thought crossed Voel's mind that he could just stay in these two rooms for the duration of his stay on Earth. It would be so easy to forget where he really was.

"Computer, fill the tub."

There was a loud, irritated groan. FIIIIIIIIIIIINE.

Or maybe not. The Massive's AI would never be so blatantly insolent. And it certainly wouldn't have filled the bath with…

"Computer, _why _exactly are you filling the tub with _acid_?"

IT'S WATER. YOU TAKE A BATH IN IT. DUH.

Voel growled under his breath. He most certainly was NOT going to take a bath in the same substance that had nearly burned all of his skin off and temporarily killed his nerve endings.

"Empty it. I want cleansing gel."

WE DON'T _HAVE_ ANY CLEANSING GEL, the Computer huffed. THE SUPPLY RAN OUT YEARS AGO AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE ANY WAY TO BUY MORE.

Voel bit the inside of his cheek. Although it hadn't said so outright, he couldn't help but pick up the accusing tone in the Computer's artificial voice. When he still refused to climb into the tub the computer groaned again.

UGH. JUST WAIT A MINUTE.

Nothing happened right away. Voel stared at the water skeptically as he waited for the computer to do something. Steam was rising from above the clear liquid and pink frothy bubbles nearly overtook the surface. It did look sort of inviting, but he couldn't shake the memory of the excruciating pain the rain had brought him from his mind. A few minutes later a knock at the door cut off his train of thought.

"Is everything alright… my Tallest?" The customary title was added almost as an afterthought.

"Enter," Voel said curtly and Skoodge did. He gestured to the bath and said, "The tub is filled with acid."

"It's not acid," Skoodge explained. "It's water. It's perfectly safe."

"It burns."

"No, pollution and chemical runoff burns. Humans dump it into their own water supply, and their bodies are resistant to most of it." To prove his point Skoodge approached the tub and knelt. He dipped his own hand in the water, holding it there for a few seconds before pulling it out and shaking it. Little water droplets splashed across the surface, but no steam rose from his skin. "Our plumbing system is equipped with some very strong filters, so this water is all clean."

Voel nodded. He dismissed Skoodge with a wave of his hand, satisfied that the water would not kill him. The door closed with a soft 'whoosh' and Voel was left alone.

* * *

Zim collapsed on his mattress with a loud 'oomph,' relishing the feeling of being warm and dry. He'd discarded his wig on the dresser before his bath, letting his antennae fall freely down his back. His PAK also sat forlornly on the dresser, no longer needed.

Remembering why he'd worn it in the first place, Zim frowned and sat up. The oversized T-shirt he wore as pajamas pooled around his waist as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. When he stood it reached only the top of his knees.

'_If Red thought I was underdressed before, he'd have a heart attack if he saw me now!_'

He managed to crack a smile at the thought even as he knelt and started digging underneath his bed. It took several minutes, but he finally found what he was looking for; a small black case with a coded lock. Zim climbed back onto his bed and sat cross-legged as he entered the code. The case popped open, revealing an unloaded nine-millimeter pistol.

Zim picked up the magazine first, inspecting it. He took a handful of shells and carefully inserted them. One by one, they went in with a soft 'click.' Once he'd entered all six he picked up the gun and slammed the magazine into place. He checked the safety, and then released the chamber. After inspecting the gun one last time Zim slid it underneath his pillow. He hoped he wouldn't have to use it, but it was reassuring to know it was there nonetheless.

A knock at his door snapped Zim out of his thoughts. "Zim, it's time for dinner," Skoodge's voice called.

Dinner with the Tallests? Zim grimaced at the thought. "I'm not hungry."

"You're never not hungry," Skoodge argued.

"I'm tired. I just want to go to sleep."

There was no reply for several moments. Then, an audible sigh. "All right. I'll put yours in the fridge for later."

"M'kay." Zim waited until he heard Skoodge's heavy footsteps trek back down the stairs before collapsing onto his pillow. "Uuuuuuuuuuuuughh… Fuck my life."

"Nya?"

Zim's magenta eyes shot open to find Mini-moose lying on the pillow right next to his head. They tiny, toy-shaped robot's body began to swell until it was roughly the size of a football. Mini-moose squeezed itself into Zim's arms, its body warm and soft despite its artificial nature. Zim smiled, thankful for the safe company. He pulled the covers over his and Mini-moose's heads. The lights clicked off immediately after, shrouding the room in darkness.

Zim fell asleep with one arm wrapped around Mini-moose, and the other tucked underneath the pillow, his fingertips just ghosting the cool metal of the pistol.

* * *

Author's Note: The long awaited (or not) second chapter of Homecoming is finally here! Enjoy the product of three weeks of headaches, caffiene overdoeses, and hopeless tears. Just kidding. In truth, this was a lot of fun to write, even if I think Zim and the Tallests' interactions were pretty awkward. Zim's a bit of a brat, and Voel's just a dick. No Dib in this chapter, but rest assured he'll appear soon. The third chapter is already well underway, so if you are reading this you won't have to wait long to read more (I hope). Please review!


	3. Chapter 3: Skool Daze Part 1

**Chapter 3: Skool Daze pt. 1**

Voel hated Earth.

Of course, it wasn't Earth itself that had roused him into this incredibly vile mood. It was the entire situation he was in; being forced from the Massive, being cut off from Irk, and, worst of all, being forced to rely on Zim.

Theron, on the other hand, seemed to be taking the situation in stride. Whereas Voel had spent every waking miron since arriving pacing around his room like a caged hogulus, Theron was lounging on his stomach on the large bed Zim had provided for them with a bowl of Shloogorgh's doughnuts resting on the ground just within arm's reach. Theron had spent the entire night watching something called 'Muppets' on the 'teevee' and eating junk food that Zim's computer provided for them. He'd tried half-heartedly a few times to calm his partner, but Voel was insistent on being irate. So Theron decided to simply enjoy himself and let his partner wear himself out.

Theron's complacency only served to further irk the crimson-clad Tallest. He didn't know how his partner could be so calm when the Massive was still probably under attack and the Irken Empire was now without its leaders.

"I hate this. I just hate it!" Voel's antennae were pointed straight back.

Theron swallowed the doughnut he was currently chewing and answered, "Really? I couldn't tell by all the angry pacing."

Voel shot Theron a dirty look which wasn't returned. The violet-clad Tallest burst out laughing as the blue, long-nosed puppet on the TV screen accidentally launched a bowling ball at the human antagonist. "Aren't you worried? The Massive is under attack right now, or in the hands of some alien scum!"

"Not really," Theron admitted. "The Control Brains will figure something out."

The massive AI servers, the Control Brains, had been a part of the Irken Empire as for as long as anyone could remember. Although it was generally believed that they had been created by some brilliant member of the Irken race long ago, no name was ever attached to their conception, and they were practically sentient beings unto themselves. They did everything from managing internal affairs, to maintaining the Empire's population, to writing and enforcing Irk's laws. There were over a hundred of them scattered over the various planets the Irken Empire controlled. Chances were, they already knew of what had happened to the Massive and were coming up with a solution at that very moment.

That wasn't good enough for Voel, however. He didn't want to sit and wait for a solution. He wanted out. He wanted to do something. Voel took a deep breath.

"Computer, what time is it?"

19375 IRK TIME. 0624 EARTH TIME.

It had only been a few mirons since they'd fled the Massive. Strange, it felt like so much longer. With a heavy sigh he quit his pacing and glided over to the door, leaving Theron lying on the bed with his snacks.

"Where are you going?" Theron asked without taking his eyes off of the TV.

"Wander around. Do something," Voel replied curtly. Maybe if he got into Zim's labs he could use the equipment down there to hail the Massive. He might have imagined it, but he could swear as he swung the door shut behind him Theron had shot him a knowing look.

As he headed for the stairs, Voel shot a glance at the door to Zim's room. It was strange that in the mirons he'd been there Zim had not come to bother him once. With Zim's behavior the previous day, Voel supposed it wasn't that unusual, but a part of him just expected Zim to gravitate towards himself and his partner like he always used to. Before…

Voel snapped out of his reminiscing, noticing for the first time the yellow and black striped sign posted on the door. Zim had picked up the humans' language easily when he first arrived on Earth. That had been cycles ago. Back then Zim would call Voel and Theron regularly, and as he stayed on Earth longer and longer he would switch from Irken to Earthen more and more frequently. As a result, both Tallests were fairly well-versed in the spoken language. But the written language was beyond either of them. To Voel's eyes the sign on Zim's door looked like random scrawls.

Voel floated down the stairs, knowing that Zim's lab would most likely be underground somewhere. As he reached the bottom of the stairs he saw GIR, no longer in the green suit, curled up on the couch as if it were asleep. A wrinkled, grease-stained paper bag rested on the cushion next to the tiny robot and shreds of green stuff and little brown lumps peppered the sofa. Voel grimaced at the sight before making his way into the kitchen.

He rounded the corner through the archway and reared back, antennae shooting straight into the air, as something large and green nearly slammed into him.

"Whoa!"

Skoodge jumped back, eyes wide in shock. He took a moment to process the sight of the Tallest floating in front of him. Voel calmed himself, embarrassed at how fast his cardiac-spooch was beating. Skoodge's own raised antennae lowered in submission and he dipped his head in a bow before saying, "Good morning, My Tallest. I didn't expect to see you so early."

"Hm." Voel barely fixed Skoodge with a bored look before his eyes drifted elsewhere. When he had nearly run into Skoodge he had instinctively sucked in a mouthful of air. The scent of something sweet and heavy rested on his tongue and he vaguely remembered the delicious-looking dinner he had skipped the previous night. He glided around Skoodge, heading straight for the large white box with the heated surface. A silver pan with a long black handle sat on top of one of the round ports, a piece of what appeared to be bread sizzling in the center. The bread was coated with yellowish goo and sprinkled with brown dust. It _looked_ utterly repulsive but it _smelled_ absolutely divine.

On the countertop a plate with several plain pieces of bread and a bowl of more yellow goo sat unused. Voel looked at the ingredients, and then at the thing in the pan. "What is it?"

"French toast," Skoodge replied. "It's very sweet. Zim loves it. Speaking of which, I should go wake him up now."

One of his antennae lowered as Voel looked at Skoodge in confusion. "Wake… Is he sick?"

Irkens didn't require sleep, but their bodies were capable of it. Most Irkens chose not to unless they needed to recharge their PAKs in a pinch, or were seriously ill. Voel hoped fervently that whatever Zim had was not contagious.

"No, no," Skoodge protested, waving his hand casually. "Zim just likes to sleep. He sleeps for a few hours almost every one of Earth's night cycles."

That was quite often. Voel's antennae lowered. He was no longer looking at Skoodge as the large Irken made his way through the living room towards the stairs. Zim had certainly changed a lot since he had last been in contact with the Irken leaders, but Voel had a hard time believing Zim had grown so complacent. It simply was not like the little egomaniac to purposely put himself in such a vulnerable state.

Even in the kitchen Voel could hear Skoodge knocking repeatedly on Zim's door. "Zim, it's time to get up."

There was no reply. Voel floated through the archway into the living room, keeping his eyes on the stairwell.

"Zim," Skoodge repeated, yelling through the door. "Zim, your breakfast is ready. It's French toast."

UM, ZIM'S NOT HERE.

One of Voel's antennae twitched. He heard Skoodge's voice again, but now Skoodge was speaking, not shouting, and he couldn't make out the words. The heavy Irken's first question would have been obvious, however.

HE LEFT ALMOST TWO HOURS AGO.

Skoodge said something else, but this time Voel was not interested in what he was saying. He turned his eyes to the front door, narrowing them in anger.

Where the hell had Zim gone?

* * *

"Zim, whatever it is you're planning, please don't do it."

Zim smirked into the cell phone. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Zim had spent the entire night in a restless sleep. He had woken up three times due to the noises coming through his wall. Even after having his computer soundproof the room he kept jumping awake every few minutes, the total silence putting him more on edge rather than setting him at ease. Each time he closed his eyes he saw Tallest Red leaning over him with a look of absolute hatred in his eyes and smoke rising from his face. At roughly four in the morning he had given up on sleep, dressed in a hurry, grabbed a Twinkie from the kitchen, and crept out of the house without anyone knowing, save Mini-moose who was currently seated comfortably on his shoulder, listening to the conversation.

About halfway to school it had occurred to the small Irken to call Dib and let him know that the morning commute wouldn't be necessary. Dib obviously misinterpreted Zim's intention.

"I'm serious Zim. Don't do it."

"I'm hurt. Don't you trust me?"

"No."

"I'm really not planning anything."

"You expect me to believe that you just randomly felt like walking to school at five in the morning?"

Zim pulled the cell phone away from his cheek to check the time. Sure enough, it read 0504. He put the cell phone back to his head. "Yes."

Zim didn't want Dib to know about the Tallests, or vice versa. If Dib found out that Zim was harboring the Tallests, the fragile trust that had been building between the two of them for the past six years would be all but destroyed. And if the Tallests found out he was friends with a human…

Well, he wouldn't let that happen.

On the other end of the phone Dib sighed. "Just don't maim anyone."

"Your lack of faith in me wounds my fragile heart."

"You actually have one?"

"In a jar somewhere."

"You're about as funny as food poisoning."

"Actually, food poisoning can be pretty funny," Zim replied. "When it happens to someone else."

"Right. I'm going to get ready for school now. Hopefully the building will still be standing when I get there."

"Hey, that happened _one_ time."

"Goodbye Zim."

Then Dib hung up. Zim laughed as he clicked his phone shut and shoved it into his pocket before reaching up to tuck the tip of his antenna back underneath his wig before it was noticed. Mini-moose shifted as he did this, looking at him keenly.

"Maybe I should pull a prank, just because he said that."

Mini-moose squeaked.

"Oh shut up."

* * *

When Dib pulled into the school parking lot an hour and a half later, he was immensely relieved to find the school building still standing. With the windows still intact. And a surprising lack of farm animals in the courtyard, unless you counted the students who routinely lingered there.

Relief swiftly morphed into suspicion.

Dib pulled into a student parking space far away from the entrance – past experiences proved this to be the wisest course of action – slammed the car into park, and threw the car door open, hoping he could catch Zim in time to stop… whatever it was he was doing.

In all the time Dib had known Zim, the little green psychopath had never been a well-behaved student. He pretended, when it benefited him, but in reality Zim enjoyed nothing more than creating a little – or a lot of – chaos. For the first two years that Zim lived in the city his plans were truly evil. He'd created massive weapons, controlled the minds of semi-willing victims, and terrorized the planet in ways that simply seemed too stupid to believe. Of course, back then Zim thought he was on Earth to conquer it. Now he knew better. He still pulled crazy stunts, but they lacked the same malevolence as his earlier schemes. It was as though Zim's new goal in life was to infuriate every person who dared call themselves an authority figure.

Dib would admit Zim's pranks could be funny, and with the little nuisance around life was never boring. But the dark-haired teen often worried about the amount of attention Zim drew to himself. The young Irken's pranks had already made national news twice. Once upon a time, Dib would have loved the idea of Zim being exposed, captured, and autopsied. He had fantasized about it daily, filled his notebooks with drawings of Zim's open chest cavity, imagined the look on the alien's face as he screamed and begged for mercy. But he had been a child then. A lonely, isolated child with a demented family life who had grown up socially and emotionally stunted. And back then, he hadn't known the truth about Zim.

He hadn't known that Zim was just as lonely and messed up as he was.

They had helped each other heal, slowly over time, but Dib didn't know what he would do if anything ever happened to Zim, and if Zim kept drawing attention to himself the way he did the possibility of his capture would only come closer and closer to becoming reality. Zim just brushed off these fears, however. He knew better than to think his disguise was perfect. But, as he had said time and time again, "People are so _stupid_."

There had been slipups. A contact slipping out. An antenna poking out from under the wig. Inadvertently cussing in Irken instead of English. But each time Zim had simply spouted off the first lie that popped into his head and each time the humans had bought it without question.

'_People really are stupid_,' Dib thought as he strode across the parking lot to the front of the school building, his trench coat whipping about in the wind. '_Including me. Why do I put myself through this?_'

The halls, much like the school courtyard, were suspiciously free of vandalism. The low hum of students' whispers didn't carry any news of odd happenings, and no one appeared worse for the wear.

Had Zim been telling the truth? Maybe, but Dib didn't think Zim wouldn't pull some stupid prank after their conversation. 'I didn't want to disappoint you,' he would say obnoxiously, even with Dib glaring holes into his skull.

Dib came to a stop at the door to his and Zim's homeroom classes. He had made it this far without discovering anything odd. If there was nothing inside, would it be safe to assume that there really was no plot? Probably not.

But he could still hope, right?

Bracing himself for the worst, the dark teen swung open the classroom door to find…

Nothing.

Nothing out of the ordinary, in any case. Zim sat, as he normally did, in the back of the classroom on top of one of the desks with his legs swinging casually over the side. His jacket and bag sat in a crumpled heap in the unused seat behind him, and his eyes were locked onto the screen of his GSXL. Zim didn't look up as Dib entered the room, or when the human slammed the door behind him. He only said, in a rather nonchalant manner, "Hey, did you know there's a mini-quest we missed on the second floor?"

"What did you do?" Dib didn't waste any time. Zim finally looked up from his game, feigning a look of hurt.

"Wha-? _Why_ can't I come to school early without you accusing me of being a terrorist?"

"Does Ultra-Pipi ring any bells?"

Zim fixed Dib with a dry look, flipped him the bird, and then went back to his game. It was only then that Dib took notice of the addition to Zim's outfit; a thick, black choker around his throat. There was no charm or medallion attached to it, and no pattern of any kind. Just a simple piece of black cloth wrapped around his neck. Poking out from just beneath the fabric, however, was a patch of skin that was several shades darker than Zim's natural tone.

"Hey Zim, what's wrong with your neck?"

For a brief moment Zim's thumb faltered over the keypad on the GSXL, causing his character to stumble right into the bulk of the hoard. "Tripped and fell on a tray of tools in my lab last night." He went back to Vampire Piggy Hunter XII without further comment, but Dib persisted.

"Are you all right?" He approached Zim swiftly, reaching out to the small alien. "Let me see it."

Zim leaned back just as Dib came within arm's reach. Vampire pigs swarmed his character on the screen, but he didn't care. Dib gave Zim an odd look as the smaller teen pulled away. "Sorry," Zim said, flashing a nervous smile. "It still hurts a little when I touch it, that's all."

Dib sensed Zim's dishonesty – a skill he had honed over years of knowing Zim and that he alone had claim to – but didn't call his friend on it. He didn't trust Zim to behave well at school, but he did trust that if Zim lied to him it was for a good reason.

"All right." He took a seat on the windowsill next to Zim's desk, and then reached into his jeans pocket to pull out his own GSXL. "So, you wanna show me that mini-quest?"

Zim smiled and restarted his game. Soon Valiant and Briar were charging into the vampire's castle again, though the vampire piggies no longer blocked their path. Zim lead Dib right to the door on the second floor where a small pixelated girl sat weeping. "You talk to her to start the quest," Zim explained. "A bunch of monsters will pop out while she's telling her backstory. Then you have to find some necklace or something so she can leave."

"Why can't she leave without it?"

"There's a curse or something. I dunno."

They clicked through the dialogue without reading any of it. Unlike Dib's younger sister – who actually invested some interest in the actual storyline behind these games – Zim and Dib focused almost solely on the combat. This pissed Gaz off to no end, and whenever the two of them were in the frightening girl's presence they made it a point to read each line of dialogue carefully. But Gaz wasn't around and neither feared incurring her wrath at the moment.

Like Zim said, halfway through the dialogue a giant monster resembling a boar with rotten flesh infested with vicious-looking parasites burst through the wall, allowing dozens of vampire pigs access to the space. Zim and Dib immediately reacted, taking down the many enemies with relative ease. Even the zombie hog was easy to defeat, despite having been used as the boss monster of previous games.

Neither paid any attention when quiet murmurings began to fill the room. The seats ahead of them had been all but filled, but they remained isolated in their game world. Eventually the school bell rang and Ms. Bitters slithered into the room. Zim and Dib saved their games and slipped into their seats as she began to torment the young minds in her care.

"All right children, before we start today's lesson, I want you all to know you are doomed to a pitiful existence in our self-destructive society. Your lives will be nothing but a black abyss of darkness, cruelty, and limitless stacks of paperwork. Your souls will be drained out of you ever so slowly by the corporate world for which you are destined, leaving you as nothing but soulless husks of pencil-pushing zombies. You will-"

There were three groups of people in Ms. Bitters' class. The first sat shaking in their seats, trying to prevent tears from escaping as their brains imploded inside their skulls. They made up the vast majority of the class. The second were imagining all of the horrible ways in which they could kill Ms. Bitters, their other teachers, and all of the other students as well. They made up roughly one quarter of the class. The third group alternated between ignoring Ms. Bitters altogether and wondering what the hell was wrong with her. This group consisted of exactly two people.

'_What the hell is wrong with her?_' Zim thought, resting his cheek against the palm of his hand. Suddenly a crumpled piece of paper landed on his desk, distracting him from the lecture he had only half been paying attention to. He uncrumpled the paper to find in large, messy scrawl, 'IS IT ME, OR DO MS. BITTERS' LECTURES SOUND A LOT LIKE BAD GOTH POETRY?' Zim stifled a snicker and pulled a pencil out of his desk. He flipped the paper over and began writing.

'_Darkness, cruelty, the corporate system._

_These are the evils that make up my life._

_Stealing my soul,_

_Until all that is left,_

_Is the soulless husk,_

_Of a pencil-pushing zombie.'_

Zim wadded up the paper and sneakily tossed it back to Dib. Dib unfurled the paper, read Zim's poem, and buried his face in his desk to keep from bursting out laughing.

A sudden squealing caused him, and the rest of the students, to suddenly sit up straight, hands flying to ears in an attempt to save their eardrums. Zim mimicked the action, thankful that his antennae were well-protected beneath the wig. The screeching of the PA system eventually leveled out and the voice that had been failing to be heard properly for the past thirty seconds boomed loudly, "Zim Nekri, principal's office. Now."

Dib fixed Zim with a glare, but the Irken merely offered a shrug before grabbing his jacket and tentacle-bag and heading to the door. Ms. Bitters didn't move or say anything as Zim strode idly past her, nor did she react when he slammed the door behind him. She just waited patiently for him to leave, and once he did she resumed her lecture as though she had never been interrupted.

"Doomed."

* * *

Principal Vado was a very plain-looking man. He stood approximately five and a half feet tall and had a bit of a beer belly. The hair on top of his head was extremely thin, but as though to make up for that his mustache was as thick and bushy as a walrus's. His expressive green eyes twinkled with mirth when he was happy and darkened to a near-black when he was angry, but almost on one knew this as they were hidden beneath his large, shaggy eyebrows making him look almost blind. The students were used to his gentle disposition, but he was quite capable of being stern when it was necessary.

The expression on his face at the moment was one of grim displeasure. It was a look he often had when he was dealing with this particular student, despite the coffee – with Irish creamer and two packs of sugar, just the way he liked it – and blueberry muffin Zim brought him from the school store daily.

Zim was leaning back casually in the overstuffed chair Vado had provided for student and parent visitors, nearly sinking into the plush. His arms were crossed across his chest and he was bouncing one foot lazily to an imaginary beat. The enormous chair loomed high over Zim's head like the toothless jaws of some great beast. Looking at him, Vado sometimes had a hard time seeing him as a high school student, let alone one destructive enough to be the reason why approximately half of his new teachers quit during the first few days of their job.

Clearing his throat, Vado shifted some papers on his desk and began. "So…" He trailed off, giving Zim a chance to speak for himself. When Zim just stared at him uninterestedly he continued, "I just got a call from your calculus teacher. Mind explaining to me why Mrs. Guzman found a swarm of fire ants in her desk this morning?"

"Um… global warming?"

Vado's eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. "What do fire ants have to do with global warming?"

"I'unno. It was the first thing that popped into my head."

The principal sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Zim, do you really _have_ to do this every day? Couldn't you just give me a break for once?"

"Well, you just said it yourself; I do this every day. At this point you might as well save yourself the trouble and send me straight off to detention every time."

"After the jailbreak fiasco last time, I'm afraid to do even that."

Despite principal Vado's obvious distress, Zim let out a snicker. "Yeah, that was fun."

"Zim, why do you even bother coming to school?" The principal's face was still buried in his hands, but he could be heard clearly enough. "I've seen your grades. You could have graduated by now, maybe even from college. But instead you scrape by and treat school like a joke."

Zim's smile fell and he stared at the principal expressionlessly. No one had really questioned his motives before. He was a kid, so he went to school. It was expected, at least in this particular cesspool of a city.

Vado lifted his face from his hands. "Zim, why _don't_ your parents enroll you in a private school or something? You're smart enough, and frankly I think you could use the discipline."

"I don't live with my parents anymore. I live with my cousin."

"Your _cousin _then," Vado ground out.

Zim shrugged, replacing his blank look with a disinterested one. "I don't wanna go to a private school. I like it here." He paused only briefly before adding, "Even though the teachers are stupid beyond repair. Besides, discipline? Yuck. Tried it once and that turned out to be a major fu-"

"Flub up," Vado cut him off, receiving nothing but a smirk in response."

"Yeah, that."

A sharp ringing cut off any response Vado might have had. Instead he exhaled and said, "And that would be the bell. You might as well get to your first period." Zim nodded and stood, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Zim, please go easy on Mrs. Guzman today."

With a playful smile Zim replied, "No can do, sir." Then he turned and walked out of the office without another word.

Vado stared wearily at the cup of untouched coffee on his desk. He picked it up and took a long sip, relishing the warmth as it slid down his sore throat. '_Ah well_,' he thought. '_At least Zim always brings my coffee._'

* * *

The hall outside Mrs. Guzman's classroom was clogged with students. Only a few of them actually attended the austere woman's calculus class. The majority of them had simply come running when they'd heard the hysterical screaming. Blocking the door was Mrs. Guzman herself.

The calculus teacher might have been pretty if her face weren't locked permanently into a scowl and her dark brown hair weren't pulled into a severe bun. Mrs. Guzman aged well. She was thirty-nine years old and still resembled a woman in her twenties for lack of lines on her face. She only wore the bare minimum of makeup, and always dressed in a charcoal grey suit as though she were attending a business meeting instead of teaching at a public high school.

Today, however, her normally tidy suit was in disarray and flyaway hairs were sprouting from her normally tight bun. Angry red marks covered her hands, arms, and legs courtesy of Zim's little prank.

'_Maybe fire ants were a bit much_,' Zim thought as he approached the scene outside of his first period class. But there was nothing he could do about it now. The damage had been done and he didn't apologize. Ever.

"Everyone calm down! This classroom in inaccessible at the moment due to pest problems. Please return to your classes, my students will relocate to the auditori-"

Mrs. Guzman stopped suddenly as her gaze landed on Zim. Her eyes narrowed into a vicious glare and she growled a little in her throat.

Zim smiled and waved amiably. "Er, hello!"

Her glare didn't ease. If anything, it became more malevolent.

"Uh, if it makes you feel any better, Mr. V just gave me a month of detention."

'_When in doubt, lie through your teeth._'

"…Class, auditorium. Now."

The crowd began to disperse. Mrs. Guzman's students massed together and began to trudge towards the auditorium. Zim started to fall in with the conglomeration when Mrs. Guzman's icy voice cut through the stale air. "Zim."

He stopped, pivoting on one foot fluidly. He faced his calculus teacher with an expression of false innocence. "Yeah?"

"I had _better_ see you in detention this afternoon."

She stormed past him, her heels making a sharp _click click click_ across the floor as she made her way through the crowd of students. Dropping the innocent look, Zim stuck his tongue out at her back.

"You've really done it this time, fag."

Zim's eyes narrowed in annoyance and he growled lowly in his throat. "Good morning, Torque-douche."

Much like Dib and Ms. Bitters, Torque had been a constant in Zim's life since elementary school. Torque was a vicious brute of a boy. He had wide, powerful shoulders, a thick neck, and a low brow ridge, giving him a somewhat oafish look. Zim was only a head shorter than Torque, but much like the vast majority of the Irken race Torque seemed to believe this was all the reason he needed to torment the smaller.

He was also under the impression that Zim's favorite color made Zim suitable target for his mockery, and that the other students found it just as funny as he did. Their annoyed glances and disapproving frowns didn't so much as faze him. But no one stepped up to Zim's defense. No one needed to. Not only was Zim more than capable of dealing with Torque on his own, he would be outright offended if anyone even tried to interfere.

"Watch it, fag. Your boyfriend isn't here to protect you right now."

"Who needs him? I could take you down with one arm. I would, if you weren't so disgustingly pathetic." Zim started to brush by Torque, but he paused for a brief moment to add, "And by the way, Dib wasn't protecting me. He was protecting _you_."

A meaty hand suddenly snatched up a fistful of Zim's shirt. Torque forced Zim to turn around and slammed him flat against the lockers with a loud 'thud.'

"You fucking fairy! I'm gonna kick your a-"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

Torque dropped him as soon as the word flew out of Zim's mouth. A few students turned to look at the spectacle. Zim skipped just out of Torque's reach, unperturbed by the strange looks he was getting. "Better hurry up, douche, or you'll be late for class!"

Zim didn't stay to see the bully's reaction. He raced on ahead to class, thankful that they'd relocated to the large, cool, spacious auditorium. It would be so easy to take a nap there.

Mrs. Guzman had already started her lecture when Zim entered. She barely spared him a glance as he made his way to an empty row in the back where he dropped his bag and plopped down, separate from the rest of the class as always. Mrs. Guzman had managed to rescue some slides from her pest infested classroom and inserted them into the auditorium's projector. Zim took one look at the lesson and scoffed. He'd already learned absolute and conditional convergence when he was eight.

Bored by the lesson topic, but unable to fall asleep due to his teacher's piercing voice echoing throughout the auditorium, Zim opened up his bag and pulled out his sketchpad. He pulled a pencil out of the wire binding, flipped open to the first blank page and began doodling. At first he began to sketch the view of the auditorium from where he was sitting, elevated in the back row. As the rough shape began to become more refined he added a gaping hole in the roof. He sketched in the vague shape of a giant, clawed hand reaching though the roof and added small, dark shadows that represented people running for their lives.

"Mr. Nekri."

Zim looked up from his half-finished drawing, mouth pulled into a slight frown. Mrs. Guzman glowered at him from her spot behind the podium.

"Would you care to solve the problem?"

Zim looked at the highlighted equation on the large screen only briefly before turning his eyes back to his drawing. "Absolute convergent."

"Zim, if you would take a moment to try and _solve_ the problem instead of taking a random guess-"

"That's a geometric series with ratio 'r' equals four over five, which is less than one." Zim hadn't so much as glanced up from his sketchpad. "So the series converges, and the given series converges absolutely."

Mrs. Guzman's cheeks blazed red, but she couldn't reprimand him for solving the problem correctly. She turned around and continued with her lecture, and Zim went back to his drawing.

He added a long, barbed tentacle which wrapped around his calculus teacher.

* * *

Dib didn't see Zim again until second period, in their shared English class. By then he had already seen the red blotchy spots on the arms and legs of a few random students and formed an educated guess as to what Zim had done. As soon as Zim sat down next to him in his seat in the second to back row Dib whispered, without looking at the other, "You are a terrible person."

A bewildered look crossed Zim's face. "_Why_ would you say such a horrible thing about your best friend?"

"Did you attack the calculus teacher with a swarm of insects?"

"Yes, but that's beside the point." Dib groaned, but was ignored by Zim who had chosen instead to begin rifling through his messenger bag. Moments later he withdrew his sketch pad and two lollipops. "Candy?"

Dib eyed the offered sweet warily before sighing and plucking it from Zim's clenched fist. He unwrapped the candy slowly as Zim did the same. If Zim was sharing his favorite candy that meant he was probably _somewhat_ remorseful. Probably.

"Oh! Look what I drew this morning in math class!"

Then again, maybe not.

Dib pulled the sucker out of his mouth.

"Is that a giant, alien monster eating Mrs. Guzman?"

"No. Yes. Maybe."

Dib started to say something, but he paused. For a brief moment he looked angry, and then his face split into a grin. "Well, at least it's not the second thing I was going to guess."

Zim pulled his own lollipop out of his mouth to prevent himself from choking on it. "Oh God, I didn't even think of that!"

The rest of the class barely paid any attention to the pair laughing in the back. With the exception of one student.

"Fags sharing a sweet moment back there?"

Both Zim and Dib stopped laughing simultaneously to glare at Torque. Dib was the first one to respond. "Fuck off, Torque."

"Why? Am I interrupting something private?"

Zim cut Dib off before he could retort. "Not really. We were just talking about how stunted cerebral growth sometimes leads to increased aggression in primitive subjects."

Torque stared vacantly.

"We're talking about how apes who act tough usually have tiny brains."

Much like Zim's calculus teacher forty minutes prior, Torque's face flushed red. Infectious sniggers and giggles had spread across the class. Zim, however, wasn't done.

"It's not always decreased intelligence though. Sometimes it's caused by a deficiency of testosterone levels. Do you try to act tough to make up for the fact that you have a tiny dick?"

A few of the braver students actually bust out laughing. Zim smirked and resumed sucking on his lollipop as Torque sputtered out curses and half-formed threats. Just then the classroom door swung open. The rambunctious laughter died down into barely suppressed chuckles as the English professor walked in.

"Alright everyone, settle down," he said without raising his voice to be heard over his class. He never needed to. Although Mr. Dent looked more like a new-age hippie than an English professor, he had the kind of booming voice and rigid stance that could command attention no matter who he was speaking to.

Torque shot Zim one last dirty look before turning around and sinking into his seat. Zim leaned back in his chair and slowly drew his lollipop out of his mouth, blowing imaginary smoke into the air.

The soft 'hiss' of a sheet of paper sliding across the table interrupted his fake victory smoke. Zim righted himself and took a look at the paper Dib had slid across the table to him. 'YOU DO REALIZE HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU, RIGHT?'

Zim scribbled his own message and passed it back.

'_Him and what army? Besides, you were laughing too._'

'JUST BECAUSE HE CAN'T BEAT YOU IN A FAIR FIGHT DOESN'T MEAN HE CAN'T USING DIRTY TRICKS. FOR SOMEONE AS STUPID AS HE IS, HE REALLY DOES LIKE DIRTY TRICKS. AND IT WAS SORT OF FUNNY.'

'_Screw fighting fair. I never have. And dafuq u mean SORT OF!?'_

The note passing continued on for most of the class but while one third of Zim's focus was on his conversation with Dib and another third was on the class itself, the final third had locked onto Dib's comment. It was true that Torque wasn't going to take this lying down. It was also true that neither he, nor Zim, liked to play fair. An idea began to form in Zim's head. It dug around in Zim's head until it had firmly and irrevocably rooted itself there.

Preemptive strike.

* * *

Gym class was optional, and Zim had opted not to take it. Not because of any lack of physical ability, but because of the mandatory showers which used the city's supply of chemically tainted water. Despite that, at precisely ten forty-nine that morning Zim could be found creeping into the male locker-room instead of sitting in the cafeteria attempting to choke down the poisoned muck the school faculty attempted to force feed the students each day.

With practiced ease, Zim made his way silently through the locker-room though he needn't have worried. Besides himself there was only one other sentient being inside; his accomplice.

"Here it is," Zim whispered, stopping in front of the grey, steam-soaked stand-up locker marked with a large messy zero in sharpie to replace the placard which had long ago been ripped off. "You're up, Mini-moose."

Worming its way out of his pocket, Mini-moose squeaked in glee, always happy to be a part of whatever Zim was involved in. The robot hovered in the air just in front of the dial. Its red rubber mouth stretched until it became the exact size and shape as the dial and it slipped over, letting Zim take a gentle hold of its body as it worked the code. Mini-moose's head whirred around the dial and after a few seconds and a gentle 'click' the lock was open.

Zim released Mini-moose, unable to keep a satisfied smirk off of his face. Mini-moose hovered above him, eagerly waiting for Zim to open the locker so it could see the prize Zim had laid claim to. The locker door swung open with a loud squeal.

Zim didn't have a nose to wrinkle in disgust. Instead his tongue recoiled inside his mouth, though his lips were pressed firmly shut.

'_Jesus fucking Christ!_' he thought. '_Doesn't this filth ever wash his… filth?!_'

Evidently, Mini-moose shared his sentiments. The small robot made a beeline for Zim's pocket, squealing in terror all the while. Despite the burning in his eyes, Zim hurried to remove the plastic bag he'd prepared for this from his messenger bag, scoop up Torque's clothes as though they were a heap of dog feces on the sidewalk, knot the bag, and reluctantly shove it all back into his messenger bag. After sparing a quick glance around the room to make sure nobody had seen him – and nobody had – Zim scurried out of the locker room, his respiratory-spooch screaming for fresh air.

* * *

"Jeez! Calm down! What's the worst that could happen?"

"Are you fucking serious!? What's the worst that could happen!?"

If Voel had been on edge before, he had taken a flying leap over that edge when he realized Zim had left. No, not left. Snuck off. Disappeared in the middle of the night without anyone's knowledge, without even giving the _Almighty Tallests_ the courtesy of telling them where he was going.

"He could be selling us out right now! He could be at some Earthenoid government agency proposing a deal! He could-"

"Be staying as far away from us as possible because he doesn't want to be near us any more than we want to be near him?"

Voel shot Theron a dirty look. "How the hell can you be so calm about this?"

Whereas Voel was pacing – or as close to pacing as one could get when one was floating rather than taking actual steps – back and forth furiously over the same spot with his antennae pointed straight back in fury, Theron had not moved from the spot where he'd been lounging on the bed that morning. His bowl of doughnuts was now curled in his arm against his body as he channel-surfed.

"_I_ have snacks," Theron replied, waving a single doughnut in example. He bit into it, exaggerating the pleasured sounds of good food being savored to prove his point. "And teevee. As long as Zim leaves me alone, I could care less where he goes or what he does."

Voel stared at his partner incredulously. Theron groaned and rolled his violet eyes.

"Would you relax? He's _not_ going to expose us! He can't without exposing himself! Just be thankful he's leaving us alone for a change."

"But what if-"

"Voel," Theron cut him off, "if Zim wanted to sell us out, he would have done it when we ran into those humans earlier. Now eat some doughnuts and be happy."

"I don't want to be happy."

"Clearly…"

* * *

To go, or not to go. That was the question.

On the one hand, if Zim did go to detention, he could put off going back home where the Tallests were. If they weren't planning to kill him for the things he's said and done yesterday they were probably snickering to each other and laughing at him behind his back like a couple of gossipy valley girls. Ugh. Even if he never actually saw them, just being in the same building as them was nauseating.

On the other hand, detention was _booooring!_

Fuck it. He wouldn't go. No one ever said he _had _to go home right away.

The bell rang, signaling not only the end of class but also the end of the school day. Zim snapped the school-issued laptop shut and stood, grabbing his bag from under the desk and throwing the strap over his shoulder. Dib stood from his seat next to Zim, grabbing his own black backpack and tossing over his right shoulder. Both of them made their way out of the classroom together, thankful for the end of another dull school day.

"Hey, is it alright if I come over to your house today?" Zim asked. Dib shrugged.

"Sure, I don't mind. We gotta wait for Gaz, though. I promised her I'd give her a ride today."

Zim nodded. "M'kay."

The pair crossed the school parking lot together, navigating though the throng of students and teachers all ready to go home. Dib's used Honda sat unattended at the other end of the school parking lot where it normally did, Gaz nowhere in sight. Dib unlocked the door for Zim who slid into the front passenger seat without hesitation. Dib climbed in on the other side and started the car. The CD player immediately blared to life, booming Dib's favorite My Chemical Romance CD over the speakers. The two sat in the car for a few minutes listening to the dark lyrics before Dib's cell phone buzzed loudly, desperate to be heard over the loud music. Dib pulled the device out of his pocket and flipped it open.

"Message from Gaz," he said without waiting to be asked. He clicked the phone shut and shoved it back into his pocket. "She's getting a ride from Dean. They've got band practice at his place."

"Nice to know we were sitting here for five minutes for nothing," Zim said, although he wasn't really bothered. Dib shushed him.

"Don't let Gaz hear you."

Mini-moose flew out of Zim's pocket as it heard Dib start the car. Zim and Dib spent the entire short drive from the school to Dib's house talking about nothing, joking about school, and singing badly along to Dib's CDs while the small robot squeaked along in agreement or disagreement or squealed in terror at Dib's driving. Dib questioned Zim briefly about his punishment for the fire ants, but Zim just laughed and Dib dropped it, not really caring.

Before any of them knew it Dib was pulling into the driveway of Dib's house. Unlike Zim's home, brightly colored, but otherwise styled like a typical American house, Dib's house was stark white, and looked a bit like something an eight-year-old – albeit a very talented eight-year-old – would build with Legos, all square-ish with odd add-ons jutting out seemingly at random.

Dib shut off the car and he and Zim both let themselves out. Zim ran up to the front door, Mini-moose on his shoulder, but had to wait for Dib before he could get inside. Right next to the door, mounted on the white concrete wall, was a black touch-panel and a keypad. Dib tapped in a series of numbers and letters on the keypad before pressing his palm to the panel. A digitized voice rattled off, WELCOME HOME DIB MEMBRANE PLUS GUEST.

Dib rolled his eyes as the metal hatch-door slid open. Zim just laughed and slid past Dib into the house. "Your dad is kind of funny."

"He's kind of insane," Dib corrected. "It's not like anyone would ever break into _Professor Membrane's _house. They'd be too scared of getting eaten by a cyborg chicken or something." Zim's eyes widened and he laughed.

"Cyborg chicken! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Nya!"

"Shut up, Zim." Dib started for the couch. "Should we work on homework first or just blow shit up?"

"You're seriously asking that question?" Zim replied, joining Dib on the couch. He grabbed the television remote off of the coffee table and hit the power button before pressing GAME. The screen immediately flickered on and then switched over to a frozen shot of an explosion. Dib rolled his eyes and grabbed the wireless controllers from under the coffee table.

"Yeah, yeah. Here you go."

They resumed their game in progress. The next two hours were spent fighting alien bandits on Dib's television screen. Aside from Vampire Piggy Hunter XII, Gaz had encouraged the two of them to play a number of her favorite games, including No Man's Land Two. Zim's character summoned a spike-clad robot while Dib set up a number of turrets. As per his usual play style, Zim had his character charge right into the thick of things, firing away. A female voice screamed '_I will destroy everything!'_ as bandits exploded into messy jets of blood left and right. Dib tried to keep up with his sniper rifle, but eventually gave up and started chucking augmented grenades.

"You know we're supposed to be saving this town, right?" Zim asked as a shower of Dib's spawned grenades took out a cluster of bandits in front of him along with a few old collapsible buildings.

"I know. We're really bad at this." Dib switched to his assault rifle and opened fired on a knot of bandits on Zim's other side. The hail of bullets annihilated the bandits, but also lit off a number of gas tanks. The resulting explosion caught Zim's character, destroying his shield and sending him flying.

"Hey! You did that on purpose!" Zim shouted.

"No I didn't!" Dib protested. Zim shot straight up, dropping his controller and unseating a very disgruntled Mini-moose. Dib quickly paused the game.

"Lies! You have wounded my honor! I demand retribution in blood!" Zim snatched on of Membrane's scientific magazines off of the coffee table and rolled it up. He brandished the magazine like sword, pointing it right at Dib's face.

"Nya!" Mini-moose squeaked in agreement.

Dib smirked. "If that is the only way to settle this feud, then so shall it be." He grabbed another magazine off of the stack and rolled it up. "I accept your challenge, good sir! En guard!"

Zim laughed madly and lunged. Dib dodged and ran, also laughing. The tiny Irken took chase, and the two tore off through the house alternatively trying to chase and ambush one another. Mini-moose whizzed about the air, attempting to ram into Dib's head with its tiny rubber body. At one point Zim chased Dib up the stairs, only turn on his heel and come tearing back down when Dib got his hands on a Nerf gun. Zim took cover behind the couch with Mini-moose while Dib opened fire with his Styrofoam bullets of doom.

Zim's cellphone rang, but Dib didn't stop his assault. Zim answered the phone without calling a timeout. "Your dastardly tactics will not win you the day! Justice shall prevail!"

"What?" Skoodge peeped on the other end of the phone.

"Not you, Dib," Zim answered. "We're having a duel to the death."

"Well one of you might want to hurry up and kill the other," Skoodge said. "You're really late."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry I didn't call." Zim threw a crumpled page from the magazine over the couch, shouting "Grenade!" as he did. Dib yelped and ran away from the 'explosion.' "I'm just going to stay over a couple more hours."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Skoodge said. "Tallest Red was really freaked out when he found out you left this morning. He thinks you're trying to sell them to Earth authorities or something."

Zim rolled his eyes. "Did you tell him I just went to school?"

"I didn't get a chance! He's been locked up in his room ever since then!"

Zim sighed. "Whatever. I'll be back eventually."

"Zim-"

"Bye Skoodge."

Zim clicked the phone shut. Dib rounded the couch, looking concerned. "Who was that?"

"Skoodge. He's mad I didn't tell him I'd be late," Zim half-lied.

"Oh." Dib pointed the Nerf gun right at Zim and pulled the trigger. The Styrofoam bullet struck Zim right in the forehead before falling harmlessly to the floor. "I win."

Mini-moose squeaked and stuck its tongue out at Dib. Zim picked up the bullet and tossed it at him. "You suck."

"I know. Hungry?" Dib reached down, offering Zim his hand. Zim took a hold of Dib's hand and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. "What do you think, pizza or Chinese?"

"Chinese, idiot." There were few human-made foods Zim could actually eat and it was all almost exclusively junk food. Pizza _was_ one of them but the smell and sound of the ooey, gooey cheese always made him nauseous.

Dib went into the kitchen to order dinner. Zim sent Skoodge a quick text message, stayin 4 diner before pocketing his phone. Skoodge probably wouldn't be happy, but, Zim figured, the Tallests never really had much of a problem with Skoodge, aside from the fact that he made all of the _tall_ invaders look like untrained smeets. He'd be fine.

"Delivery's in twenty minutes!" Dib called from the kitchen. Moments later he poked his head back into the living room. "Wanna go back to blowing things up, or do we have time for another duel to the death?"

"Blowing things up," Zim answered. "You'd just cheat again."

"I did _not_ cheat," Dib fake-whined, doing his best to look offended.

"Whatever," Zim said, plopping down on the couch.

"You never called a timeout!" Dib protested.

"Cheater!"

"Nya!"

They never did settle whether or not Dib had cheated, but they resumed their game in progress happily and by the time their dinner arrived the virtual town they were supposed to save was little more than a large scorch mark and a few flaming bits of wood. When the deliveryman came with their Chinese Dib answered the door and tipped the man generously. Zim's arms shot straight up into the air and he let out a whoop as Dib held up the bags of fried rice and eggrolls triumphantly.

The two of them ate their meal in the living room, changing the television back to TV mode although neither one of them was really watching it. Mini-moose couldn't eat, but it stayed involved by inserting random squeaks into the casual conversation that punctuated their meal. Dib occasionally teased Zim about the alien's inability to use chopsticks to which Zim responded by jabbing him in the arm with said chopsticks.

"Okay, okay. Now, when you read your fortune at the end of it say 'in bed.'"

Zim nodded and snapped open his fortune cookie. He slipped out the paper and allowed the pieces to land on the coffee table. "You will be visited by a mysterious stranger. In bed." He burst out into sniggers.

"Want me to stand guard outside your room tonight?" Dib offered playfully. Zim shot him a sly look.

"I'd rather you stand guard _inside_." The three of them burst out laughing again. "Sorry! You set yourself up for that one!"

Dib couldn't reply though his laughter. Zim's phone rang again, but the pair couldn't calm down. Still laughing, Zim pulled the phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen. "Skoodge again, gimme a minute."

Zim walked into the kitchen to take the call, leaving Dib and Mini-moose in the living room. Hopefully, he thought, Mini-moose would take the hint and keep Dib out there. He managed to calm himself before flipping the phone open and pressing TALK. "Hello?"

"Zim, I _really_ need you back here. Tallest Red's getting pissed."

"What? Why?"

"I. Don't. Know. He just _is_. He's been trying to get into your lab and I tried explaining to him that the DNA recognition wouldn't let him but he won't listen and he still thinks you're trying to expose him."

Zim sighed and pinched the flat area between his eyes. "Alright, alright I get it. I'm coming home now, just… Just try to keep him calm."

"Please hurry."

Skoodge ended the call. Zim groaned and snapped his own phone shut, shoving it back into his pocket. He was half-tempted to just spend the night at Dib's, but then Skoodge didn't really deserve to be stranded with the Tallests. He hadn't wanted them there in the first place.

"I gotta go back home now," Zim said upon entering the living room. "GIR got into something and is freaking out right now."

Dib turned away from Mini-moose – with whom he'd been playing a rather odd game of 'I spy' – and frowned. "Do you need my help with him? Maybe I can fix him."

"Nah, don't worry about it," Zim replied, waving him off. "I can take care of him."

"Well, do you need a ride back?"

Zim thought about it. He didn't want Dib and the Tallests to know about each other. But if Dib was just dropping him off in front of his house there shouldn't be any problem, right? Dib was just going to let him off by his house and drive off, and it wasn't like the Tallests would be standing in the living room with their faces pressed to the windows waiting for him to come home. He could probably risk it.

"Yeah, I could use one," Zim answered as Mini-moose once again settled on his shoulder.

* * *

Voel growled under his breath, causing Skoodge to jump. He sat, one leg thrown over the other with his chin resting in his palm on Zim's couch waiting for the tiny Irken to come home. Skoodge was standing next to the window, antennae lowered in submission as he fidgeted under Voel's hateful glare.

"Please, my Tallest, he'll be here any minute."

Voel didn't say anything. His antennae, pointed straight back in anger, suddenly leapt up as he picked up the sound of an Earth vehicle coming to a stop right in front of the base. Skoodge's head snapped to the side, his own antennae perking up at the noise. He heard the sound of a car door being slammed and voices – Zim's maybe? Voel rose, the LM whirring to life and taking him off of the ground. He glided over to the window and peered out.

From where he stood, he could only see Zim's head over the slate fence surrounding the perimeter. Zim wasn't coming inside yet. He was standing just outside the yard talking to one of the local aliens, a tall – dare he say almost as tall as himself – dark hairy one. The human said something and Zim laughed. Voel's antennae lowered as a growl rose from his throat. Was Zim taking this long on purpose?

Just then the human did something incredibly strange. It leaned down so that its face was level with Zim's. Why would any tall creature do that? As if to answer Voel's unspoken question the human pressed its mouth against Zim's.

Voel stared.

And stared.

He tried to make sense of it.

He couldn't.

The Tallest didn't notice Skoodge glancing nervously at him out of the corner of his eye. Even as the human pulled away and climbed back into its vehicle he was trying to comprehend what he had just seen. It didn't seem to be a hostile action of any kind. If anything it looked just plain unsanitary, but Zim didn't seem properly disgusted as he should have been.

The car started moving again, and soon the sound was in the distance. Zim ducked down out of sight for only a few moments before rounding the fence and walking down the path to the front of the house. Voel noticed he was dressed exactly the same way as he had been yesterday, with the addition of some pink and black striped garment tied around his waist and a red bag slung over his shoulder. And a choker. Covering his bruises.

Skoodge scurried to the front door. He swung it open forcefully, revealing a somewhat stunned-looking Zim who had already extended his arm to grab the doorknob. Zim stared at Skoodge blankly, taking in his friend's distressed appearance. He opened his mouth and said the most eloquent thing that came to mind.

"Uuuuuuhh… Hi?"

"Where the hell were you?"

Skoodge had his mouth open, but that wasn't Skoodge's voice that had spoken. Zim's head snapped to the side, taking notice of Voel for the first time. "Ooooh… You're here…"

He glowered at Zim, who appeared wholly unaffected. "Where. Were. You?"

"Uuuuhh… School?"

"School?"

"Yeah. School."

"Why were you at school?"

Zim groaned. "On Earth if you're sixteen you go to school. They make you go until you're eighteen."

Voel studied Zim's expression intently, trying to discern whether or not he was being truthful. Zim's expression was unreadable. It didn't help that his antennae were covered by that fuzzy black thing on his head.

"Take that off."

Zim blinked. "What?"

"That thing on your head," Voel clarified. "Take it off."

Zim scowled. "Why?"

It was unthinkable for a shorter to question or contradict the orders of a taller. But Zim had just done it without hesitation. "_Because I said so!_" Voel roared.

Zim didn't so much as flinch. He held Voel's gaze, practically daring the Tallest to make him. Then, almost reluctantly, he reached up and grabbed a fistful of his fake fur. He ripped the wig off of his head, not once lowering his gaze from Voel's. His long antennae fell down his back, now free of their covering. Voel stared at them, expecting them to have been pointed straight back like his own. Instead they fell as though unable to escape gravity. And what was worse, there was something attached to his right antenna.

"Happy?" Zim hissed. Voel felt a shudder wrack his body.

"No," he growled. He gestured to Zim's right antenna. "What is that?"

Zim's hairless brow furrowed in confusion and one antenna gave an ever so slight twitch. He turned around, saw nothing behind him, save Skoodge who was just standing there frozen by the door, and turned back to the Tallest. "What is what?"

"Those… _things_ in your antenna." Were they probes of some sort? Torture implements? What human had gotten their hands on Zim and attached those things to him? Was it the one who'd touched Zim's mouth with its own?

"Huh? Oh, those are just my piercings," Zim answered, taking the flat end of his antenna in his three fingered hand and stroking the silver studs gently. "I did them myself."

Piercings? Pierce as in… _through_ his antenna? "Get rid of them."

Zim dropped his antenna and stared at Voel, eyes narrowing in anger. "I don't want to."

"I don't c_are _whether or not you want to. Take them out."

"Why should I?"

"Because I don't like them."

"Well it's a good thing they're not in _your_ antenna, isn't it?" Zim spat. "They're my antennae and I can do whatever I damn well please with them."

Zim started to march around Voel but the Tallest slid to the side, blocking his path.

"Defect Zim, I am _ordering_ you to remove those ugly things from your antenna."

"No."

"Do it now."

"Fuck you."

Suddenly Zim's world exploded into pain. He was still standing rigid in the same spot he had been, but he was no longer glaring at Voel. His head had turned ninety degrees seemingly of its own volition and his cheek felt like it was on fire. Zim blinked sluggishly, trying to process what had happened. Slowly he turned his head back to where he though Voel was, but the crimson-clad Tallest was no longer floating in the spot he had been. Without Zim's noticing Skoodge had strode right past him, wrapped his hand around the Tallest's throat, and slammed him against the far wall away from Zim. Voel looked just as shocked as Zim was, but Skoodge's antennae were ramrod straight, pointed straight back in fury.

Skoodge's fist was poised to strike Voel in the face, but he stood frozen, a part of his programming inhibiting him from actually causing physical harm to a taller Irken. The desire was there, however, and was battling for dominance with this programming. It was on the verge of winning.

"Skoodge, stop."

Skoodge's grip relaxed at the sound of Zim's voice, and he lowered his fist. He kept his glare locked on Voel for just a moment before turning to face the tiny Irken. Zim's cheek had turned dark purple and was likely going to start swelling soon, but the expression on Zim's face wasn't an angry one.

"Just… put him down. It's fine."

Skoodge clearly didn't agree, but he complied. Gently he lowered Voel to the ground. The Tallest's feet touched the floor, but instead of allowing his LM to lift him or standing under his own power he allowed his legs to give out underneath him, sliding down the wall into a semi-sitting position. Skoodge turned his back to him, his livid demeanor instantly dropping as he approached Zim. Voel barely paid either of them any attention, even as Skoodge began fussing over Zim, as Zim carelessly batted Skoodge's prodding hands away, as the pair made their way out of the room. His mind was still reeling from shock. He couldn't believe what had just happened.

He'd just hit Zim.

* * *

Author's Note: I am a terrible person. I wanted to write Zim and Dib having a good time and being goofballs and basically being normal teenagers. Then my brain said ANGST and Red decided to be Red. I apologize.


	4. Chapter 4: Pink Panties

**Chapter 4: Pink Panties**

Zim's cheek smarted.

"Hey, you ever notice how 'smart's kind of a funny word? Like it can mean 'intelligent' or it can mean 'stings like a mother-fuck?'"

"No, I've never noticed. Hold still."

Zim tensed, but resisted the urge to pull away as Skoodge pressed the cold pack against his throbbing cheek. He swung his feet – dangling over the edge of the kitchen counter – back and forth as he tried to adjust to the piercing cold of the chemically-cooled pack as it clashed with the heat of his bruised flesh. For a several minutes it felt like someone had driven a knife into the soft skin, but then mercifully his cheek began to go numb. Only then did Skoodge pull the ice pack away. The larger Irken scrutinized Zim's cheek, his demeanor oddly stoic.

In an attempt to get his normally cheerful friend talking Zim asked, "Is it swollen?"

"No, but there's a mark." Skoodge's voice was unnaturally low. "The entire side of your face is purple."

This earned a visible flinch from Zim. It would be difficult to hide something like that. How was he going to explain this to Dib…?

"You should throw them out."

The statement came so abruptly that at first Zim drew a blank as to what Skoodge was talking about.

"I'm not going to do that."

"Zim…"

"I'm not going to change my mind Skoo- OW!"

Skoodge had once again pressed the ice pack against Zim's cheek, this time using much more force. "So you're just going to let him get away with it. Just like everything else they've ever done to you."

"…Well, compared to everything else, actually, this is pretty small."

Skoodge huffed. He set the ice pack down and grabbed a gauze pad, resting along with an assortment of first-aid supplies next to Zim on the counter. He held it to Zim's cheek for just a moment, assessing the size, before reaching for a pair of scissors.

"Besides, it barely hurts at all."

"I thought it 'stung like a mother-fuck?'"

_Snip, snip_.

"I never said that! I said it was funny how the word 'smart' can mean that."

"So it smarts then?"

"No." Skoodge slapped the pad over Zim's cheek, earning a pronounced wince and a high pitched 'yelp.' He fixed the tiny Irken with a stern look. Zim glared back. "This proves nothing."

"It proves you're an idiot." Skoodge held the gauze in place with one hand as he used the other to select the lengths of medical tape he'd already cut and tape the pad to Zim's cheek. "You should have just left them in the park. Who cares if they die of chemical exposure?"

"The very mean and angry armada and the severely out-gunned planet they'd have died on, I think."

For a brief moment Skoodge froze. He hadn't considered that. And here he'd thought Zim was helping the Tallests out of the kindness of his heart. Quickly he finished covering Zim's new bruise and set the remaining strips of tape aside. A panel opened up in the counter where the items were, swallowing them whole, before closing again seamlessly.

"Look," Zim continued, pushing himself off of the counter, "We just have to put up with them for a few days, a week at the most. The Empire isn't going to just leave them here. We go about our business like normal, ignore them as much as we can, and when they're gone try our best to repress the memory."

"And if Tallest Red keeps doing what he's been doing?"

Zim shrugged. "I've survived worse."

* * *

"RED! They're fucking RED!"

The grating sound of Torque's voice – along with a myriad of chuckles and howls – was the first noise to assault Dib's ears when he entered the school building the next morning. His normal route to his homeroom was cut off by a jumbled crowd of his fellow student body, so with a reluctant sigh he went to investigate the disturbance.

Making his way through the crowd was easy, and he didn't even need to make it all the way to the front before the source of the disturbance became apparent. With his size pushing past people took almost no effort and he could easily see over the heads of his peers. When his eyes landed on the classroom door around which the crowd had gathered his mind drew a blank before a series of sniggers caught in his own throat.

The briefs that were hot-glued to the metal door might have been red once upon a time, but years of wear, washings, and bleach had faded the fabric beyond repair, stripping it of its masculinity.

"Nice pink panties Torque!" a random jeer cut through the din. Similar taunts echoed throughout the hallway, likely instigated by the words spray-painted on the door just above Torque's briefs.

HEY TORQUE-DOUCHE! I THOUGHT ONLY GIRLS AND GAYS WORE PINK.

-Z

Zim had even used pink paint.

Cheeky little bastard.

"I already told you they're RED! Not pink, REEEEED!"

Dib let out a chuckle and shook his head. Zim really didn't hold anything back. No longer interested, Dib turned and forced his way back through the crowd. Homeroom didn't start for another half-hour, so he decided to make his way up to the roof. He broke through the knot and made his way to the stairs otherwise unhindered.

* * *

The building's roof was technically off-limits to students, but the lock was old and rusted and none of the school's faculty actually cared enough to enforce the rule. Dib made his way to the top of the stairs, yanked open the door that opened to the roof with a loud squeal as the hinges screamed in protest, and stepped out into the orange morning sunlight.

Dib raised his hands to shield his eyes from the glare, the building facing in just the right direction for the sun to hit him directly in the face at this time of day. Standing about ten feet away, with his hands on the rails and his back turned to Dib, Zim stood, staring out over the city.

Despite the irritatingly loud noise of the rusted door hinges being forced open, Zim had not turned to face Dib. Seeing this as a perfect opportunity, Dib stuffed his hand into the inside pocket of his trench coat and grabbed hold of the device located in there. Praying that Zim wouldn't suddenly turn around, Dib turned the digital camera on and pointed it at the petite alien. He took a few seconds to focus the lens, and then snapped the photo. There was no flash, but a loud '_click_' as Zim's visage was saved to the device.

"You know, most people start by saying 'Hello,'" Zim teased, not tearing his gaze away from the scene in front of him. Dib merely shrugged.

"Old habits die hard. Besides, I needed something for my photography homework." Dib shoved the camera back into his pocket and took a spot next to Zim at the railing. For a few moments he stared out at the pink-blue sky, before he turned his eyes to stare at Zim out of his peripheral vision. "Frankly, I don't think snapping a surprise photo is as bad as hot-gluing some kid's underwear to a door."

Zim sniggered, obviously pleased with himself. "I know, that was great, right?"

Dib thumped Zim lightly on the back of his head. "Try idiotic. I told you to tone it down. If Torque wasn't out for blood before, he will be now."

Zim pouted and rubbed the back of his head. "Oh come on, I can take him!"

"That's not my-" Dib trailed off mid-sentence, eyes landing on Zim's face. Only now had Zim turned fully to face Dib, and only now could the human see the large bandage covering his right cheek. "Zim! What the hell happened!?"

Carefully schooling his expression into a calm one, Zim waved him off. "This? Oh, nothing."

"Did Torque do it?"

"Wha- No, jeez. I walked into a doorframe!" Dib raised an eyebrow. Zim placed a hand over the left side of his chest and raised the other. "Cross my heart!"

"You don't _have _a heart!"

Rolling his eyes, Zim amended, "Cross my cardiac-spooch."

Dib reached out and tenderly brushed his calloused fingers against Zim's cheek. Zim didn't flinch or pull away. "That's a pretty large bandage… Are you sure you walked into a doorframe and didn't run into it?"

"I might have been chasing GIR around a little…"

Dib let out a sigh. He wished Zim would tell him the truth, but he supposed that if Zim was lying then he had a good reason for it. Despite how freely Zim would lie to any of the adult he talked to, he was weird in that he hated lying to Dib. Reluctantly, Dib decided to drop it. He put his hand on the back of Zim's head, where he had thumped him, and rubbed the spot gently. "Be more careful, okay?"

Zim couldn't hide a small frown. "Okay…"

* * *

Thankfully, the rest of the school day seemed pretty normal. Torque's homeroom teacher complained to the principal who gave Zim detention for defacing school property, Dib and Zim passed notes back and forth in their homeroom and second period classes, Principal Vado got his coffee and muffin from Zim when Zim was sent to his office for planting an inflatable speaking alien in the girls' bathroom, and during lunch he and Dib hid in the science lab sharing junk food and playing Vampire Piggy Hunters XII.

Out of all of his classes Zim's favorite was his fifth period art class. Unlike science and math, art was actually something new to him. It was the only class where he felt like he had something to learn. He liked that teacher too. Mr. Casil was a fairly shy man, but open minded and easy to get along with. He was a lot younger than most of the other teachers, which sometimes caused new teachers to mistake him for one of the students.

"What happened to your face?"

Zim looked up from his sketch pad. Standing over him was a fair-skinned girl, dressed all in black. If he stood she would only be a half-inch taller than him, but she wielded her presence with a force that somehow took up the space around her. Her hair was cut into a messy bob and was dyed dark purple, and her eyes – fixed into a seemingly permanent glare – were the same golden hue as Dib's.

"Hello Gaz, lovely to see you, how's your day going?"

Gaz didn't respond but her eyes did narrow a fraction of an inch. Zim felt a shudder go down his spine.

"Walked into a doorframe."

"Did my idiot brother fall for that?"

Zim flinched. Gaz continued to study him. Absentmindedly, Zim wondered if Gaz had the ability to read his thoughts. After a few tense moments she finally turned and walked off and Zim was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

"Friggin' scary…" He went back to his drawing, glad to be free of her. He didn't always hate being around her, but it was hard to tell sometimes whether she was going to be nice (for lack of a better word) or she was going to 'rain doom upon someone's doomed head.' Zim shuddered. He didn't like doom. No, that wasn't right… He didn't like _being_ doomed.

Continuing where he left off, Zim began to shade in sections of his drawing. Mr. Casil didn't like telling his students what they could or couldn't do, so he often gave vague assignments with a lot of room for interpretation. Today's assignment was 'something sad.' Zim had been stuck for several minutes before deciding to just draw what he liked. He ended up drawing Dib leaning over the railing of the school's roof like he had been that morning. It really didn't fit the theme. Zim studied the expression he'd drawn on Dib's face and smiled. His thoughts were beginning to drift back to the previous day.

Dib had kissed him.

It had been his first kiss too. Zim hadn't really had time to dwell on it yesterday, after Red had-

Zim's pencil faltered mid-stroke.

Red had been waiting by the window in the living room right after that. Had… Had he _seen _anything? Zim swallowed thickly and forced himself to continue drawing, though he was applying too much pressure to the pad. He tried to remember if Red had said or done anything that indicated he'd seen. The Tallest had been pissed, but there was nothing to indicate that his anger had anything to do with Dib.

'_No, he would have said something about it if he'd seen_,' Zim told himself. He breathed deeply and somehow managed to relax his grip on his pencil. Then he flipped it around in his hand and began to go over the dark scrawls lightly with the eraser in an attempt to save his drawing.

* * *

Voel wrung his hands nervously. Theron watched him, antennae lowered and arms crossed. Voel could still feel the impact of his hand across Zim's face, despite the heavy gauntlet he wore. Like any sane Irken, he had never before struck another Irken outside of combat before. Their race was far more evolved than that. Only inferior species struck their own in such a barbaric manner but he'd- he'd-

Did this make him defective?

No, he couldn't be a defect. He was a Tallest! A trained Elite, superior even amongst their superior race! But if the Control Brains ever found out what he'd done…

"I personally don't see what you're so upset about," Theron's voice broke through his train of thought. "He's just a smaller."

Voel's antennae shot up suddenly in alarm. He turned to his partner swiftly and shouted, "He's still an Irken! And I struck him because of something he _said_! Only defects do that!"

Theron shrugged. "You weren't this freaked out when you tried to rip his throat out."

"I wasn't trying to rip his throat out I was trying to-"

Suddenly Voel's voice caught in his throat. Strangling Zim, hitting him, it was all the same, wasn't it? And to make matters worse, those barbaric actions were provoked by an emotional response – anger. Irkens weren't emotionless, as they were still living beings – despite what anyone thought – but they were designed so that they wouldn't lose control of their actions due to emotional stimuli.

The quiet rustling of fabric reached Voel's antennae and he felt the bed he was sitting on dip. Theron wrapped one arm around Voel's shoulders and reached up to take a hold of one of Voel's antennae between his two exposed fingers. Gently he began to stroke, causing Voel to relax.

"It's okay. Nobody's going to find out," Theron assured him. "If we don't say anything, it's like it never happened."

Voel rested his head against his friend's shoulder, allowing himself to relax slightly. "Yeah, you're right…"

Theron allowed a small smile to slip onto his face. This was the most relaxed Voel had been since they arrived on Earth. "Besides," he added, "it's not like anyone would care if they did find out. It's just Zim."

* * *

The school week dragged on unforgivably slowly.

Zim didn't see much of either Tallest after the last incident. Two days later he caught Red in the living room staring at the odd assortment of photographs on the fireplace mantle. Upon entering the house Zim had immediately removed his wig, revealing his antenna's _fourth_ piercing. Red had just stared at him blankly before gliding out of the room. As soon as he heard the door to the Tallests' room slam shut upstairs Zim had begun to make his way to the kitchen to grab a soda, only to give a sudden start as he heard the violent sound of furniture being destroyed.

"U-uh, Computer?"

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

"Thanks."

Beyond that the week was astonishingly normal. The Tallests kept to themselves and Zim had no new bruises to raise Dib's suspicions. Skoodge was thankful Zim was getting up on his own, though he panicked a little when he found the gun under his pillow. Torque tried to pick a few more fights with Zim, but as per usual was outmaneuvered. Not only that, but thanks to Zim's prank he was teased so relentlessly that by Friday he had stopped coming to school.

Professor Membrane stole Dib from Zim on Friday. Zim ended up walking home, though he didn't mind all that much. He stopped by the Krispy Kreme on the way and bought two boxes of assorted doughnuts to take home. Outside his house he paused outside the wooden slate fence to retrieve his PAK from the hollow spot he'd had the Computer forge underneath the mailbox. Once it was snapped securely into place he made his way into the house, eager to enjoy his doughnuts.

"Hey, what's that?"

Zim froze instantly upon stepping through the door. He hadn't expected to see Tallest Purple floating in the living room by the fireplace. Like Red had the day prior, he seemed to be taking a look at the photos on the mantle. Or he was until Zim entered the base with the two boxes of doughnuts tucked under his arm. Quickly Zim shifted the box so that it was more securely held between his arm and body.

"Nothing," he murmured. Purple stared at him questioningly before flashing a small smile. It made Zim feel uneasy. He shut the door behind him and began to make his way to the stairs, intending to bring the doughnuts to Skoodge's room.

"Hey."

Zim paused mid-stride at the bottom of the stairs. He turned to look at the purple Tallest, who was staring at him with a placid expression. Beyond their eye colors, there was nothing visually to distinguish the Tallests from one another, but Zim got the feeling that it would be easy to tell them apart even if they both had red eyes and identical voices.

"What did you do to Voel?"

The skin above Zim's eyes scrunched up in a weird way that Theron had seen humans on the TV use to express confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the temper-tantrum he threw last night," Theron replied, voice suddenly dropping thirty degrees. He was trying to be threatening, but Zim remained calm. He'd dealt with Gaz when she was angry before.

"I don't know anything about that," Zim replied flatly. "I came home and took of my wig. Then he got pissed. I didn't do anything."

"You didn't do anything to antagonize him?"

Zim turned his head away with a huff. "Other than exist, you mean?" He turned his back and began to make his way up the stairs. "I've been trying to leave him alone. Everything else is all him."

_Shnnk!_

_Shnnk!_

Zim stopped short as two of Theron's PAK legs buried themselves into the wall inches from his face. Grinding his teeth he turned to face the violet Tallest only to have Theron slam his hands against the wall on either side of his head. Instinctively Zim flattened himself against the wall, or tried to as his PAK hit the surface and caused his chest to arch awkwardly.

"What the hell are you-?"

He flinched as the tip of a third leg traced his throat lightly. Theron's eyes were narrowed into slits, the corner of his mouth was quirked upwards into a smirk, and his antennae were curled up playfully. Zim fixed his own expression into a glare and met Theron's eyes.

"You shouldn't be so disrespectful, Zim," Theron whispered. He brought his face closer so that his breath was tickling Zim's neck. Zim turned his head away. "We may not be _your_ leaders anymore, but we are still the leaders of a powerful empire. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that this planet's defenses are still only first grade?"

Zim's breath caught in his throat. Was Purple really..? "So what? Be nice or we'll blow up the Earth?"

"Your words not mine!" Theron replied in an almost pleasant voice. Zim was pretty sure he'd crushed some of the doughnuts with how tight his grip on the box was. "Why don't you practice a bit? Try saying 'Forgive me, my Tallest.'"

Zim began to imagine his blob monster suddenly crashing through the ceiling and eating Theron right then and there.

"C'mon! Say it," Theron whispered, lips ghosting over Zim's skin and raising goose bumps.

"Hey! Theron!" Zim's spooch stilled for a moment as Voel's voice called from upstairs. "Have you seen the-"

Theron and Zim both turned their heads towards Voel's voice, finding the red-clad Tallest floating at the top of the landing. He had frozen in place and wore an expression much akin to that of a deer caught in the headlights. Odd, that was sort of how Zim felt at the moment.

Backing off a bit, Theron flashed a pleasant smile and asked, "Have I seen the what-now?"

Voel's mouth moved, but no sound came out. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I-I can't find the remote…"

"Geez, you always lose everything." Theron righted himself, his PAK legs retracting themselves back into their slots. "I'll bet you dropped it under the bed."

"Probably…"

Theron glided up the stairs, joining his friend at the top of the landing. "Here, I'll help you find it."

Zim could hear the sounds of the LMs carrying them away and the hatch-door to their room slamming shut, but he remained glued to the spot. His eyes were wide and his entire body was trembling.

With rage.

Digging his claws into the wall behind him, Zim forced himself to take deep, steady breaths. Once he was able to stop the tremors he pushed off of the wall and made his way up the stairs, quietly so that the Tallests wouldn't hear him. He could hear sounds from the television through their door but not either of their voices. Padding along quietly, he slipped into Skoodge's room, shutting the door gently behind him with a soft click.

The moment the door was shut he breathed a sigh of relief.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

Zim dropped his bag and the two boxes right by the door and then flung himself onto Skoodge's pristinely made bed. Skoodge's room, unlike Zim's, was rarely used as a sleeping place and always had the appearance of a finely maintained hotel room. Skoodge would be annoyed with Zim for rumpling the sheets, but Zim didn't care at the moment. He buried his face in the mattress and began to repeatedly plow his fists into it, taking all his anger out on the soft down.

'_Why me, why me, why me?_' he thought. '_Why did their stupid ship have to crash? Why did they have to land _here _of all places? And why did they have to call _me?'

Giving the mattress one last hearty punch, Zim went limp, energy expended. For several minutes he lay on Skoodge's bed, unwilling to move.

"Computer?"

YEAH?

"Where's Skoodge?"

HE WENT TO THE STORE ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AGO. HE SAID HE HAD A NEW RECIPE HE WANTED TO TRY.

"Mhm."

Several tense moments of silence passed.

MASTER?

"Hm?"

YOU KNOW THAT ALL STANDARD AI'S HAVE HIERARCHY-BASED VIOLENCE BARRING PROTOCOLS, RIGHT?

Zim blinked. "Yeah."

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING.

"I know."

IF I COULD HAVE-

Zim's eyes widened. Was his Computer… trying to apologize?

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

Voel's antennae twitched in discomfort as Zim's shrieking voice came though the wall. Theron laughed, leaning against the headboard lazily as he began to channel-surf with the remote control he'd only just rescued from beneath the mattress.

Privately, Voel found himself wondering the very same thing. Whilst his eyes remained on the television screen – and the cartoon Theron had finally settled on – his mind continued replaying the bizarre scene he'd stumbled upon in the living room.

Theron had always had sort of a playful streak, but somehow or other the expression on his face had seemed more cruel than playful.

Maybe because it was directed at Voel and not Zim?

But that was a ridiculous thought. Why would Theron be teasing _him_? And what would pinning Zim to the wall accomplish? Voel remembered the way Zim had arched his body in order to put as much distance between himself and the purple Tallest as possible. The position had been awkward and looked extremely uncomfortable and yet Voel found himself conjuring the image of Zim with his back arched to the forefront of his mind.

What was the point of it all? Theron was the one who kept insisting that they just leave Zim alone, so why provoke him like that?

"You're going to give yourself a headache."

Voel's line of thought was cut off abruptly by Theron's offhand comment. He stared at his partner. "What?"

"You're thinking too hard. You're going to give yourself a headache." Theron was helping himself to a bowl of juri-cubes – an Irken treat that consisted of a spongy shell baked into the shape of a cube and filled with a sweet, green goo – and watching his cartoon. "What are you thinking about?"

Voel pursed his lips. Should he tell? Theron would probably tell him he was being ridiculous again. "I was just… wondering…" One of Theron's antennae twitched. "What exactly were you doing with Zim?"

Theron shrugged. "Nothing. Just having a minor discussion."

"About?"

Giving his partner a sly smirk, Theron replied, "I just reminded him of the respect Tallers are due from Smallers, that's all." Theron chuckled to himself. "I also suggested that it might be in his Earth's best interest that he get his act together."

Voel stared at his partner in disbelief. "The Control Brains would never go for it. Earth is as good as useless; it would be a waste of the Armada's time and resources."

"Zim doesn't have to know that," Theron teased in a sing-song voice. "Besides, I did it for you. I don't care if Zim's rude or not."

The odd tension that Voel had felt building up inside of him seemed to deflate. Voel let out a breath.

"You okay?"

"Of course!" Voel replied, a bit more forcefully than he'd intended. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Theron's eyes bore into Voel's face for a moment. Then the purple-clad Tallest set his bowl of juri-cubes aside. Theron shifted on the mattress and slid over so that he was sitting next to Voel. Voel just stared at him.

"What?"

"Voel, you've been complaining non-stop since we got here. Now you're 'okay'?"

Voel shifted uncomfortably, averting his gaze. He scratched the back of his neck and muttered, "Well, I'm still worried about the Massive, of course."

'_Wow__,_' Theron thought. '_You're a moron_.'

* * *

Zim took another bite of his doughnut, nearly sighing in delight as the cream burst through the flaky bread and into his mouth. Although the pastries had been somewhat mushed when he'd gripped the boxes too tightly (and when he dropped the boxes on the floor) most of them were still fine and all of them were good to eat. Zim had helped himself to two, though he resolved to eat no more than that until Skoodge got home.

Well, maybe no more than four.

He flopped back onto his bed, only to wince in pain as his spine arched up uncomfortably. Dropping his half-eaten doughnut back in the box, Zim forced himself up, cricking his back in the process. "Ooooooww…"

WHINER.

"You don't have a spine. You have no right to comment." Zim released the mental switches and his PAK dropped from his spine. As though it were an autonomous life-form the PAK extended its own legs and crawled off the bed only to fall lifeless to the floor twenty seconds later. Flopping back down, Zim let out a relived sigh. "I really hate wearing that thing."

SO JUST LEAVE IT OFF.

"If I did that, I wouldn't have anything to defend myself with if the Tallests tried to kill me."

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU WERE DOING MUCH IN THE WAY OF DEFENDING YOURSELF ANYWAY.

Zim pressed his lips together in a fine line. A low growl rose in his throat and he glared at the ceiling in lieu of the Computer's nonexistent face.

IF THE TALLESTS SAW YOU WITHOUT YOUR PAK, THEY MIGHT BEGIN TO VIEW YOU DIFFERENTLY. THEY MIGHT VIEW YOU AS BEING AN ASSET WITH SOMETHING VALUABLE TO PROVIDE THE EMPIRE.

The glare on Zim's face softened and he turned his head so that his good cheek was resting against the mattress. He raised one hand to his chest, touching the spot in the dead center lightly. "Or they might decide to have their scientists cut me up to figure out how I live without it. No thanks." So saying Zim rolled over and snagged the half-eaten doughnut back out of the box. He stuffed it back into his mouth and began chewing loudly, not even bothering to wipe the cream off of his face. Crumbs and flakes of icing were becoming prominent on the once-clean bed sheets.

SKOODGE ISN'T GOING TO APPRECIATE YOU DOING THAT.

Zim shifted and pulled his feet – still clad in mud-caked converse – onto the bed.

OR THAT.

Licking the remaining cream off of his face, Zim reached for his third doughnut. Since the best way, usually, to get his Computer to stop talking was to piss it off, he decided to do just that. Ignoring it and willfully disobeying it usually worked to that end.

YOU'RE SUCH A CHILD.

Zim kicked his feet up onto the headboard.

BRAT.

When Zim wouldn't respond the Computer had nothing more to add. Zim ended up helping himself to three more doughnuts, leaving only the smashed up doughnuts in the one box. Thankfully the second one was left untouched. As mad as Skoodge would be for the state of his room, he'd be even madder if Zim had eaten all of the good doughnuts and left him only the squished ones.

"Zi~im! I'm home!"

Speak of the devil.

"I'm upstairs!" he shouted back. '_IIIIIIIIIII'm gonna get yelled at.'_

He heard Skoodge's footsteps quickly growing louder and moments later the bedroom door swung open. "Hey Zim what's u-" Skoodge stopped short as he took in the sight of the crumbs, icing, and muddy feet on his once-clean bedspread. "Zim! What the hell!?"

Zim stared at Skoodge mutely for a second. Then he reached for the second box of doughnuts – without sitting up or moving anything aside from his arm – and flipped the lid open. "Doughnut?"

Skoodge glared at him.

"They're chocolate glazed~!"

Skoodge kept glaring.

"Aaaaaand they've got cream filling~!"

"….You're evil."

Zim nudged the box of doughnuts closer.

Sighing in defeat, Skoodge crossed the short distance between the door and his bed. Reaching for a doughnut he sighed, "Clean up in here when you're done."

"That's what the Computer is for."

HEY!

Snagging his single doughnut, Skoodge headed back for the door. "I'm going to get started on dinner. This room had _better_ be clean when you leave it, Zim."

"Yes, Mother."

Skoodge swung the door shut, though Zim didn't miss the small chuckle his friend tried to hide. This brought on a reluctant smile of his own. '_When did Skoodge turn into such a mother hen?_'

Zim began to reach for another doughnut when a vibration from his front pants pocket caught his attention. Quickly he snagged the doughnut he'd set his eyes on and stuffed it into his mouth before shoving his hand into his pocket and grabbing the cellphone. He flipped the device open, finding a text from Dib.

Gazs band is playing Z? 2nite

were invited

wear somethin nice

Something nice? He'd have to look through his extensive wardrobe for a t-shirt and pair of jeans that were super formal. Still… Zim swallowed a mouthful of doughnut. He smiled as he began texting back.

SNDS AWSUM

WNT ME 2 CUM OVR 2 UR PLC?

OR WOOD U RTHR MEET THER?

Dib would always get a laugh out of Zim's atrocious texting, especially his spelling of the word 'come'. Zim hit the send key and set his phone aside. He continued munching on his doughnut for several seconds before his phone buzzed again. Stuffing the last of the doughnut into his mouth, Zim reached for the device and flipped it back open.

why dont i pick you up?

'_Because I have two psychopaths in my house who want to murder me for just going to school._'

GIR PUKED AL OVR TEH LVNG RM

ew

YAH

cum over 2 my place then

Dib was making fun of him now.

WUT TME?

aroun 900 sound good?

KAY

Zim started to close his phone when another line appeared on the screen.

XOXO

Heat rose in Zim's cheeks. Thankfully no one was around so he didn't have to pull an annoyed face.

UR SUCH A GRL

He clacked the phone shut without waiting for a reply and rolled off of the bed. "Computer, clean this mess up." He started for the door guiltlessly.

SKOODGE WANTED YOU TO CLEAN IT UP BEFORE YOU LEFT THE ROOM.

"Okay." Zim didn't stop. He grabbed the door handle and twisted. It didn't move. "Computer!"

YOU CAN LEAVE _AFTER_ THE MESS IS CLEANED UP. Several robotic limbs descended from the ceiling, stripping the bed in seconds and relocating the two doughnut boxes to the tableside dresser.

"If you're just gonna clean it any way you don't need me in here!" Zim growled. He tried to open the door again, only to find that it was still locked tight. "Computer!"

YOU LEFT FOOTPRINTS ON THE CARPET.

"Aargh!"

"You invited Zim, right?"

* * *

"Yeah, I sent him a text a little while ago."

Gaz eyed her brother, lounging on the sofa watching an old rerun of Mysterious Mysteries. Upon the program's cancellation five years prior, Dib's fascination with the show and its corny, half-baked monsters had waned. Every so often, however, an episode aired that caught his attention. The rerun he was watching tonight was an old vampire doughnut special he had missed on the air date.

"Aren't you going to pick him up?"

"He said GIR made a mess in his living room," Dib replied without looking up. "He's going to meet me here."

Gaz's eyes narrowed. "He's been acting strange lately," she commented off-handedly. "I asked him about the bruise he had a couple days ago. He said he ran into a doorframe."

Her brother's eyes remained locked on the television screen, but Gaz knew her brother well enough to know she had caught his attention. "He told me the same thing."

Without warning Gaz grabbed a fistful of Dib's hair. Dib hissed in pain as she yanked his head back so that he was forced to look at her. "You have three seconds to tell me you didn't buy that bull crap."

"Ow, ow! Of course not!" The pressure on Dib's scalp disappeared. Forgetting his show he reached up and began threading his fingers through his coarse hair in order to massage the abused skin. As he did this he turned to scowl at his sister, who was already making her way up the stairs. "Why would you _do _that!?"

"Someone hit him."

Dib's scowl remained in place, though the glare in his eyes had noticeably softened. "I thought so too."

"If he had just gotten into a fight, it'd be no big deal. He wouldn't have to lie about it."

"I know."

Gaz paused half way up the stairs and turned to face her brother. "When was the last time you went to Zim's house?"

"A little over a week ago, wh-" Dib cut himself off. "You don't think Skoodge did it?"

"Don't be stupid," Gaz answered bluntly. "That wuss couldn't hurt a fly if he wanted to."

"How do you have any friends?"

Gaz's glare bore into her brother's eyes, causing him to flinch. Her stare held him for several moments before she turned her head and made her way up the rest of the stairs. Dib let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"And get changed! You're not going to my show dressed like that!"

Dib cringed. '_Is my sister bi-polar or what?_'

* * *

It took about an hour, but Zim finally managed to free himself of his vindictive Computer. He'd hurried to his own room, immediately ripping open his dresser to find a good t-shirt. He decided that it would be best to wear something smart-fabric. There was still a small chance he might run into one or both of the Tallests in the living room, but he could ditch his PAK in the cubby underneath the mailbox and wear his normal jacket after that. He grabbed a black t-shirt with a caption reading '_Cool guys don't look at the explosion'_ and tossed it onto the bed. Quickly he stripped off the tank-top he was wearing, pulled on the new shirt, and then went to grab his PAK.

Only remembering at the last second that he'd left it in Skoodge's room.

Cursing under his breath, Zim quickly grabbed his striped jacket and strode to the door. He paused for a moment, straining his antennae under the wig to hear though the _terrovurn_. After hearing nothing aside from what seemed to be a casual exchange between Skoodge and Mini-moose, Zim carefully pushed his bedroom door open and poked his head out. The hallway was clear. He stepped out and shut the door gently behind him. It occurred to him that it was ridiculous for him to have to sneak around his own home, causing him to release a weary sigh.

The sound of a doorknob turning caused him to jump.

Zim bolted for Skoodge's room without a moment's hesitation. Before the door to the Tallests' room had even opened, he was already swinging the door shut behind him as hard as he could with a loud 'bang'. Flattening himself against the door, Zim willed his cardiac-spooch to still. His PAK was still lying lifelessly be the foot of Skoodge's bed. Zim sent it a hateful glare.

"This is your fault," he hissed as he approached it. The pink panels flared to life as the PAK sensed the presence of a viable host. Zim stopped a few inches short of it before turning his back. Using the mechanical legs built inside of it, the PAK flipped itself over. Two cables shot from the jacks on the back of it and plunged into the corresponding slots on Zim's spine, sinking into the fabric of his t-shirt. The smart fabric warped around the jacks as the PAK pulled itself into place. Zim took it all in silence, despite the surging pain that came with the reattachment.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Zim tossed his jacket over one shoulder, turned and walked straight to the bedroom door, no longer concerned about anyone who might be on the other side. As soon as he opened the door he found himself face-to-face with Tallest Red, who seemed to have been staring at the door expressionlessly upon Zim's hasty retreat. For a brief moment the two stood there, just staring at each other. Then the sound of a second LM whirring broke the tension.

"Surprise!"

There was a flash of purple and Red was shoved abruptly out the door. The door slammed behind him as he bumped right into Zim, who stiffened and promptly shoved him away. Red stumbled back, more surprised than offended, though he managed to school his expression into one of annoyance almost instantly.

"Don't you at least have any gloves?" he growled, trying not to look at Zim's bare arms.

"It's warm out. Why would I wear gloves?" Evidently it was a rhetorical question because Zim stepped around Red and made his way to the stairs without waiting for an answer. Red glared at Zim's back before his brain latched onto one word – out.

"Where are you going?"

The desire to say something snarky was almost too painful to ignore, but Zim wasn't going to risk angering one of the Tallests again _immediately after_ Tallest Purple had threatened his new home. At the same time he couldn't bring himself to tell the truth. He could just imagine Red's derisive 'You have _friends?_' if he did, and there was the possibility of the Tallests attempting to kill said friends in order to protect their secret. Invaders weren't supposed to make friends with inhabitants of the planets they invaded, not even former-Invaders-now-in-hiding.

"I left some books at school," Zim replied as he turned to face Red. "I need them to do homework."

"Home… work?" Red's puzzled expression almost brought a smile to Zim's face, but he managed to keep a straight face for his former leader. "Earth schools expect you to perform labor at home?"

Zim wondered if he should tell Red how stupid that sounded. Then he decided he liked living. "No… homework is school assignments you do at home. Mostly just worksheets."

Red stared at Zim, and then shrugged. Zim held in a sigh of relief. Why was it only now that he _didn't_ want anything to do with the Tallests that they seemed to be breathing down his neck?

Maybe it was _because_ he didn't want anything do with them. It suddenly occurred to Zim that the Tallests weren't used to being around Irkens who didn't worship the ground they walked on (or floated over, in this case, but the principle was the same).

'_Well, they'll just have to deal with it,_' Zim thought as he made his way down the stairs. '_Just because I can't tell them to fuck off doesn't mean I'm going to bow my head and call them 'my Tallest'._'

Somehow the thought caused his pulse to speed up a little and the corners of his mouth to quirk upwards in a tiny smile. They had control over an entire empire, but not over him – not without resorting to blackmail.

Zim padded down the stairs, vaguely aware of the sound of Red's LM following him. He ignored it, hoping that Red wouldn't try to actually follow him to school to make sure he was telling the truth. Coming from the arch at the bottom of the stairs that lead to the kitchen was the sound of food sizzling on the stovetop. Zim opened his mouth and inhaled the scent of seasoned vegetables. Poking his head through the arch he found Skoodge standing before an assortment of cabbage, sesame seed oil, and red pepper among other things with Mini-moose hovering back and forth as it retrieved spices and sliced vegetables for him.

"Hey Skoodge, whatcha makin'?"

"Lumpia," the heavy Irken replied without looking up. "It's kind of like eggrolls, but it comes from the Philippines."

Zim nodded, despite his lack of interest. "I have to run out for a while. I left a text book I need at school."

One of Skoodge's antennae twitched. "What do you ca-" Skoodge stopped himself mid-sentence as he looked up and caught the sight of Tallest Red standing right behind Zim. He restrained a heated glare at the young leader and replied, with a calmness that surprised even him, "All right. Don't be gone too long."

"I won't!" Zim assured, though they both knew it to be a lie. Zim mentally promised to send Skoodge a text explaining what he was really doing later. He might need his friend to cover for him, in any case. "I'll be back in time for dinner." With that Zim raced out of the kitchen and disappeared out the front door, slamming it none-too-gently behind him. Voel glanced at the door out of the corner of his eye before gliding into the kitchen to retrieve what he had left the sanctuary of this bedroom for in the first place.

Although the Computer was obligated – via programming – to follow the Tallests' every command, it was becoming increasingly frustrating to deal with. It whined childishly with every request for snacks and Red was sure that half of the comments it made were snide insults. Thus Voel had decided that it would be less of a headache to get his own snacks than to deal with the defective Irkens' defective Computer.

Skoodge didn't look at Voel or acknowledge him as he floated into the kitchen and made his way to the pantry, though there was a palpable atmosphere surrounding him that set the Tallest on edge. Idly Voel brought his gauntleted hand up to his throat, touching his pulse lightly. He never gave the large Irken much thought, but after what had happened he had to acknowledge that Skoodge was at least physically strong.

If he hadn't been so shocked by his own loss of control three days ago, his first reaction might have been to be afraid of Skoodge.

But now, just as he knew Zim would never report his defective behavior to the Control Brains, he knew that Skoodge would never actually hurt him. Not because he didn't want to, or he felt any sense of loyalty to the Tallests. Even in the heat of the moment Skoodge had only moved to get Voel away from Zim.

Still though…

Voel yanked open the cabinet drawer and began grabbing armfuls of Irken snacks, ignoring the strange packages marked with Earthenoid symbols.

When he thought back to it, he remembered the expression on Skoodge's face and was forced to suppress a shudder. No Irken should be able to look at a Taller like that, let alone a Tallest. Not only that, but it was so unlike Skoodge's demeanor before that point… Like a second Skoodge had taken place of the fat, timid defect he and his partner had banished half a year ago.

Snacks in hand, Voel glided out of the kitchen, glad not to have to be near Skoodge any longer. He was about to make his way up the stairs when a loud buzzing caught his antennae. The noise stopped, and then started again. Voel whirled around, searching for the source of the noise. Skoodge remained where he was in front of the stove, apparently not noticing the strange sound. Floating further into the living room, Voel heard the noise twice more and heard it get louder. He stopped before the couch, cocked his head, and stared. Throwing one last glance towards the kitchen, Voel dropped the snacks onto the coffee table and bent over the couch. The noise had stopped now, but he was certain that it had come from somewhere in front of him. Maybe… He reached his long arms in between the couch cushions, feeling for anything that didn't seem like it belonged in the couch. After finding three coins that looked like monies with a fuzzy human face stamped on them, the living room remote, a dead battery, and a cracked contact Voel was about ready to give up. Then his forefinger bumped against something cool and smooth. He wrapped his fingers around the device and withdrew it from the couch, only to stare at the black object in confusion.

It was rectangular in shape, with a small white box stamped on the lower edge. The back was silver, and when he touched the smooth black surface it immediately lit up, displaying a picture of Mini-moose on top of a cake.

The picture was overlapped by a neat array of small icons, one of which – a white rectangle with an 'x' through it – was flashing. Remembering how the device responded to his touch before, Voel poked the icon. The screen changed again, becoming solid white save for the few lines of black characters streamed across it.

HI SKGE

NT RLLY GOIN 2 SKL

HEDED 2 DIBS

WONT B BAK TIL L8

-Z

Voel's eyes scanned the message twice. Then he huffed and tossed the phone back onto the couch. He grabbed his snacks and glided back up the stairs, unconcerned with the strange Earthen message he didn't know how to read.

* * *

Author's Note: Hello everybody! I apologize for the late update, but for those of you who waited patiently, I give you my wholehearted thanks. I have not quit writing nor do I intend to. I'm really enjoying writing Homecoming and I have no intention to quit halfway. If this redeems me at all, I've already finished writing chapter five. I just need to edit it a bit and then I can post it. There's a catch though. I always feel really happy when someone new decides to follow or favorite my story, but very few people have reviewed. So here's the deal: reviews for chapters. Anything more than 'please update' would be appreciated, as I would love to hear all of your thoughts. Thank you!


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